Lonely

[Guest]

I'm so lonely and sad all the time. i'm tired and lonely and sad. i want to be friendly but i am also petrified of going out, doing something new, petrified of saying the wrong thing, something being taken the wrong way, don't want to upset anyone and really don't mean to but things i say/do seem to get taken the wrong way or come out the wrong way and because of that i sort of hide at home on my own just incase. Sometimes I get an invite somewhere and am just too scared to go incase i don't fit in or because i don't know people and then i feel stupid so i don't go. I find myself crying. I find myself eating to get over it. I eat all the time and I even tell myself as I head to the cupboard that I am not hungry and I don't need food but still my hand grabs that kitkat, that cereal bar, that piece of toast, that crumpet, a piece of cake or the cheese from the fridge. And then I eat it and I don't feel satisfied by it - just fat and then I reach for something else and again I can hear my head telling myself that I don't need it, I'm not hungry and I don't need it and I am fat and I will hate myself for eating it but still I reach for it. I have met some wonderful people and I try to get along with them but just don't feel that i fit in because i am just so sad. I hate the way I look and I don't like me and it's hard and if it wasn't for my children then i think i would have given up on life but i keep going for them altho i am not as good a mum as a should be. don't do as much with them as i should or as i used to but then i am scared of going out, of trying something new, of not fitting in and not coping

[Louise]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear this. I am no expert but I think you need to take a deep breath and look at each thing separately as it sounds like everything that is going on has become bundled up together into this overwhelming loneliness.

Firstly - going out. Have you always felt this way or is it something that has happened recently? If you have always felt this way it might take a serious readjustment to get over but it is doable. When it comes to meeting new people you have to remember that everyone feels awkward at first. I think I probably come across as quite confident when I meet people but it's only from forcing myself to overcome that tiredness. It might be a case of biting the bullet, trying something new and going in pretending to be confident - that's what I do! I know it sounds silly but if you pretend you are really outgoing and sociable you can even convince yourself and it becomes easier to do!

If it's a new thing, what has changed that has made you feel this way? Do you have friends that you have lost touch with? You say you feel you don't fit in but have the people around you made you feel this way or is it just that you think it yourself? If you are being invited to things that you don't go to for fear of not fitting in, I would say that it sounds like other people think you are fine as you are and do genuinely want to see you!

Do you have much family support? Do you feel you can talk to them about this? You say you don't feel you give your children enough but honestly I think we all feel that way. I constantly feel like I'm doing half a job of everything - work, kids, the house, being a wife etc and that we are constantly muddling through. If anyone ever told me that they felt they had the balance just right, felt they were doing a perfect job of being a parent, I would laugh and call them a liar!

When it comes to eating, it's easy to do. Have you thought about joining an exercise class or something like that? It might be a good step for you as it's not overly sociable but gets you out, could be something just for you etc. I don't know where you are but I've done a couple of class in Southend with Zoe from Fitbugs and they're great because you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to but still feel like you're a part of something. There are also buggy fitness classes around if your children are younger.

To be totally frank though, and I really hope you don't feel this is overstepping the mark but it does sound to me that you might be a bit depressed - it could be that everything has just got too overwhelming but you really do sound like you are struggling. Is it worth going into your GP just for a chat to see what he or she says?

[Jeanette]

Hi there.
I agree with all of what Louise has said and for me, my first 'port of call' would be my GP as it does sound like you are depressed.
I have suffered with depression most of my adult life but it took me a long time to accept that that was what was wrong and to seek help. It does really help to get some professional advice and maybe medication. You are not a failure in doing so.
I do hope you take steps to help yourself out of the gloom.

[Guest]

Hi there.
Just wondering if you've thought about seeing the GP?

[Guest]

How are things now? Have you taken any steps to help yourself?

[xell]

The pain of loneliness lights up the same parts of the brain as physical pain. When you experience the pain of hunger you go and find some food. When we experience the pain of loneliness, it’s time to connect with someone. Without food the body dies. Without connection the human being is sad, withdrawn, angry, depressed, anxious, and at risk of early mortality. So says the research.
In our contemporary life it’s so easy to get disconnected! We no longer need to interact with others for our basic survival. We obtain food in impersonal supermarkets. Heat, light, and water arrive in our dwellings automatically. All our basic needs can be taken care of without connecting. We move to destinations in cars that prohibit interaction. Many, many people live alone. A full twenty-seven percent of households in the United States are single occupancy. This rate is higher in cities.

Time and opportunity are essential elements.
Yes indeed. Thanks for your post – for so many reasons, shared housing is a great idea. And our society definitely needs help with logistics on how to do it well.