New baby– renewed love life, new friends, closer family ties

[weezypops]

New baby – renewed love life, new friends, closer family ties?

Is motherhood a catalyst for relationships?
Most couples grow closer after having a baby, the results of a new poll reveal . Despite many (68%) finding motherhood much harder work than they imagined, eight out of ten mums agreed that their relationship with their partner had been strengthened by the experience. Family ties also strengthen yet friendships evolve and move on, the survey shows.

The Aptamil 21st Century Mum survey polled over 4,200 mums and mums-to-be, and its findings suggest that motherhood could be the catalyst to strengthen and evolve a woman’s social network and relationships.

Dr Ellie Lee, a senior lecturer in social policy at the University of Kent and expert in parenting culture, comments: “Given that parenthood often comes with a ‘health warning’ about the new stresses and strains it brings for mums, dads and their relationship with each other, it is striking that many mums report that having children has created a new closeness to others.”

The survey suggests that having a baby brings families closer together too. Almost two thirds (62%) of mums say they were supported by their own mums in those busy first few weeks. Half (49%) also reported that they relied on other family members (such as sisters) for support. “Family relationships are stronger as we have a huge common interest – my son”, reports one survey respondent.

Christine Northam from Relate, the UK’s largest provider of relationship support, said: “Having a baby can be a wonderful experience for a family, we often see couples whose relationship has flourished because of a new arrival. Family ties strengthen and close family members can be re-discovered. That said, tough times will arise when bringing up children, but it’s important to remember that if couples work together they increase the chances of having a happier family.”

The experience of motherhood seems to have a negative impact on the survival of old friendships. According to the survey one in ten (13%) mums say they never see their friends because of how different their lives now are and many mums, almost a third (32%), reported that their best support came from new friends with babies.

“The idea that social networks change when people become parents these days seems to be confirmed by this survey,” explains Dr Lee. “Pre-motherhood friendships diminish in their importance and friendship seems to become more organised around other mums with kids. Some mothers leave behind their “pre-mummy” friends in favour of “mummy” friends,” she adds.

“What is also interesting is mums’ view of themselves, as motherhood appears to give life new meaning.” The survey reveals that the majority (63%) report that they now see themselves as a whole person now and that something was missing before.

Dr Lee concludes: “It is clear from the survey that women are not blind to the challenges of motherhood, but they do feel that parenthood has shaped and influenced their relationships in an important way, notably with their partners. It also seems to influence and enhance their interactions with, and perceptions of, the wider society.”

Aptamil would like to know how YOU feel about being a mum in the 21st century. Go to aptamil.co.uk/21mum where you can chat to other mums in the forum - has motherhood changed you beyond recognition, are you a happier, more complete person or do you feel that you can balance your old life and new experiences well? - are just some of the topics you will find there for discussion. Read more about the survey results and Dr Lee’s insights here too.

[XxJack~AcexX]

Ahh I agree with this I def am a happier person and has bought Dom and I closer together, knowing that we made that lil person that we look after is magical. I love to see Jack and daddy together. Its just a gift in itself x

[weezypops]

I think you're right Gemma. It might not always be easy but it certainly is the most worthwhile think I've ever done and has made Kester and I stronger than ever.

[XxJack~AcexX]

It sounds so cheesey doesnt it but its so true!
Things can be hard at time of course they can, but that lil life you have made makes things so worth and the love for eachother is amazing!!

[Gillybean]

motherhood has alienated me from people to be honest. when i had Abigail i worked 3 full days a week and on those days that i worked the mother and toddler groups were meeting and when i was off they weren't so i didn't make any friends. People without children that i worked with didn't invite me cause I had a child and responsibilities and most of my work colleagues were single and alot younger than me, the only friend I have had consistently from age 18 to now is my husband, i only ever had a best friend in school and to be honest do real best friends exist in the grown up world or is it just a school buddy thing. I love my husband and children and they are my world, i live through them i guess. apart from meet ups with people on here i have only one friend who i talk or see once a month maybe if she isn't busy otherwise it's every few months and another who i talk to on FB and that is it. when neither of those are available and everyone else is going about their daily lives I sit and wait for contact from the outside world, I talk too much to people when i meet them but am shy to meet people if that makes sense. my twin brother was/is the popular one and i mostly used to follow him around with his friends but never really had any of my own. people on here are my friends but you all seem to have that close friend you can talk to/have a cuppa with. it would be nice to have that someone apart from my husband that i could just pop round for a coffee to once a week and chat, confide in, go out shopping with etc.

hope i haven't said anything to offend

[rachel jane]

Ah Gill hun i feel sad for you i'm sure you must be being to hard on yourself. Everyone finds something irriatating about themselves so don't worry about it. I talk way to much and sometimes butt in when people are talking but then i can be shy aswell if that makes sense.
I'm sure you just haven't found your best mate yet and i bet shes out there!

[Millie_loves_Luca]

I can relate to what Gill is saying, after having Millie I went to groups but didnt really gel with anyone and felt left out. I used to see groups of mums out with prams together, and think, how do they do that! But I think I was putting too much pressure on myself, in the workplace I probably only gelled with one or two people to chat to and have lunch with outside of work issues and its the same with the groups, I think I expected to walk in and have instant friends and then I used to berrate myself when it didnt happen.

My dh works in the city ans he goes out 1 - 4 nites a week, travels abroad and often sees friends at the weekend as well, and I still compare myself to that standard which is wrong, as even if I had the opportunity I wouldnt have the energy tbh.

I met a lovely friend at a group, the only one really, and then she moved to Italy! But I still live in hope!

[Clairebear]

I hadn't ever really had any close friends since I left school, but when Ashleigh started preschool I met the most amazing person who is now my best friend in the whole world. We have been through so much crap together and I could never imagine my life without her in it. I am so glad that I put Ashleigh in the preschool that I did otherwise I might never have met her. Then of course, when Sophie was about two, I joined this site and I know you are all probably very bored of me saying this but I met another seven or eight amazing women who I now class as my closest friends. I couold not be without any of them now and consider myself even more fortunate that all of these women in turn have become close to each other so we can get together as a group and know we will have a fantastic time with loads of laughs. I have never been happier, even though I am bringing up my girls by myself, because the love and support of my wonderful friends and my beautiful girls gets me through every single day.

And Gill, yes 'real' best friends definitely do exist in the grown up world You really do need to give it time, no one beomes close to someone after only meeting them a few times. You can't force a true friendship, so don't try too hard and just let it happen. You say you wait for outside contact, but what's to stop you contacting someone and arranging something yourself? Just be yourself and try to be positive about things, you can't be friends with everybody, it doesn't work like that, there are too many different people with too many different personalities, but when you meet someone that you 'click' with you will know. Hope things look up for you soon.

[Gina73]

I totally agree with what Claire says, you cannot force a true friendship. I have friends from school that I still see, but at one point we didnt see each other from year to year. I have made one good friend through my antenatal class and we always try to get to see each other at least once a week and we are lucky that our girls get on.

Like Claire I have made some really good friends through this site, although it didnt happen on the first meet, we all made the effort to make meets and got to know each other and before we knew it we had all just clicked. I too would not know what I would do without them.

Some people come into your life and stay, others are only there for a short time.