Secrets of long-term love success

[Schmushe]

Discover the secrets of long-term love success

Times are tough for romance. Figures from the Office for National Statistics show that divorce rates tend to rise during recessions - and, sure enough, the number of people getting divorced in the UK is increasing again for the first time since the 1990s.

But what about the couples who stay together? Plenty of couples go through crises like redundancy, illness and upheaval without splitting up. What's their secret? It's not about being lucky enough to find your soulmate. Just as world-class athletes train hard for that "effortless" run on race day, world-class relationships are based on commitment, strategy and hard work. Here's how they do it.

1. Winning couples share a relationship road map

You both have to want your relationship to work. It helps to share a similar idea of what a successful relationship is. It may seem unromantic to sit your partner down for a frank discussion about where the relationship is going, but couples who don't discuss it will often discover too late that they don't share the same expectations of marriage, children and career. If you want your partnership to work, talk to your partner about how they see the future.

2. Winning couples make a commitment

It’s not enough to have similar expectations. Couples who stay together are the ones who trust each other not to disappear. You don’t have to get married, have kids or take out a joint mortgage. You just need to let each other know that you’re committed to each other for the long haul. You’ll both feel more valued and secure. You should re-state your commitment as the years go by. Successful couples aren’t afraid to discuss the state of their relationship, no matter how long they’ve been together.

3. Winning couples give each other space

Give each other space to see friends and pursue separate interests. Time apart makes your time together all the more valuable, and getting some me-time makes you a happier and more relaxed person.

4. Winning couples know how to communicate

If your relationship is to last, you should be able to talk about things and feel that you’re being heard without being judged. Be honest if you’re feeling stressed or under the weather. Your partner will know not to take it personally when you come home feeling grouchy. It’s also important to talk about trivial stuff. Chat about your day at work, what’s going on in the news, assorted rubbish. Don’t turn into a couple that only ever talks about gas bills.

5. Winning couples know how to argue

If you grew up learning to avoid confrontation, you may be in the habit of storing resentments, and that’s never good news for a relationship. That’s not permission to hurl abuse at your partner. But you should get used to discussing your differences and working things out through negotiation and compromise. You don’t have to win every time.

6. Winning couples keep the fires burning

A good sex life brings couples closer together. In scientific terms, sex, cuddling and touching produce hormones such as oxytocin that boost your romantic attachment and relieve stress. In everyday terms, touching makes you feel wanted. Successful couples also know that their sex lives go through lean patches. If you can accept those patches without thinking “that’s it, we’re over,” you stand a better chance of staying together for life.

7. Winning couples accept change

Change can be difficult and even painful, for example when partners lose work or suffer health problems or bereavements. But successful couples don’t jump ship when things get rocky. They learn to adapt, and they support each other through good times and bad.

8. Winning couples never stop dating

Successful couples never stop going out on dates, even when they’ve lived together for years. If you don’t spend regular quality time together, you will drift apart. Take time out from work, hobbies or chores to spend time together. Sitting silently on the sofa watching telly is not a date. A date is something you want to look good for, and where you can enjoy a change of scenery: a restaurant, the cinema or even a walk.

9. Winning couples keep some things secret

Honesty is not always the best policy. Too much information can hurt, even when you’re in love. A considerate partner would never tell the other if they fancied their best friend, or they’d once considered ending the relationship – a careless line that can do irreparable damage. Successful couples also know what speak up about. Problems at work, health issues or a desire for more or different sex are things you should discuss honestly.

10. Winning couples are nice to each other

Of all the secrets of happy relationships, niceness may be the most important. If you’re nice to your partner, they will be nice to you, and your relationship will be a much happier place.

[Jenn]

ggggrrrr - what a horrible term this write has used! Winning couples! This is how to make you feel even worse than you already do if for some reason your relationship hasn't worked out! Sometimes relationships just do not work, however much you try and being made out to feel like the opposite of a 'winner' because of it - is not very nice!

Just my opinion! BTW! Don't mean to offend! Just sometimes - these articles make me lose my cool! Don't even get me started on the way writers make mothers feel for doing everything wrong! LOL!

Mind you - there are some nice bits in the article!

[Schmushe]

I think the writer was a bit 'off' in how they have expressed it all and could of been a bit less blatent about things, but ultimetly the core values are there.
I know some marriages / relationships dont work no matter how hard you try, and if its not going to work - nothing you do or say can change that.

[Gillybean]

it sounds like the write up to a game show 'winning couples'

the keys to a good relationship I guess are honesty, trust, communication, give and take, space also. You have to work at a relationship it's hard and there are good times, bad times and bloody awful times.

But if you give up too easily or have none of the things above then no relationship will with stand the test of time.

[weezypops]

You have to work at a relationship it's hard and there are good times, bad times and bloody awful times.

I often hear people say this but don't know if I agree. I'm not saying you're wrong Gill, i'm not arguing with you, just think it's interesting as it's an oft-stated idea so I wonder if I'm wrong! I don't really know if I think a relationship should take work per se, I don't think it should be hard to be together. I've been with Kester more than ten years and we've had times that were hard on us as people but I can honestly say our relationship has never once felt like work. Even in bad times there was never anything I doubted or worried about regarding our relationnship and I think I would be concerned if it felt like it was work, or a chore or some sort.

[Schmushe]

IKNWYM Gill, Its hard to put into words though.

Paul and I have been through some horrific things in the 10 years we've been together, and I do honestly have to say, I wouldnt be here without him - literally. I wouldnt say we 'work' at our marriage, but we do often have to battle through sometimes and hope that it'll be ok. Somethings you just can never get through and it does either make or break you and no matter what you do / say it wont change things. I think its maybe 'effort' rather than 'work'.

[weezypops]

I suppose I see that as you working together to get through an ordeal though, and supporting each other if one is struggling more than the other, rather than having to work at your relationship. Perhaps it's just semantics though and that's what people really mean.

[Schmushe]

You think about going out or having a romantic night in - the effort you put in, you cook a nice meal, clean up, you de-fuzz, wear something nice, smell good - you do it all to make yourself feel good yeah, but also to put some spark back into the relationship, to make it different from everyday mealtimes etc...
When you fancy a 'early night' and you put on the nice undies / bed wear, you do it for you yes, but its also to let them know they are getting something special as apposed to a normal bedtime lol.

[weezypops]

Oh yeah, but I don't see that as work, it's stuff I would want to do. Maybe it is just down to definition though, when people talk about work, they're talking about everyday things you do to be nice to each other, which I wouldn't define as work. To me, work suggests something hard and tiresome, like there are times you don't want to be together, or it would be easier to split up, so you work at things, which is something I would see as a bad thing! Does that make sense?

[Gillybean]

I mean like good times like having a baby, bad times like money worries etc and awful times like for us after setting up our own business and after 2 years having to bail out and sell our flat and not know what the future holds knowing you have children who depend on you but through it all we have supported each other - been there for each other. We have our arguments but always make up in the end.

and I guess it's how strong you are as a couple because some couples can't last after just the smallest dis-agreement so I feel you have to work at it per say to communicate and be there for each other.

[weezypops]

I do know what you mean, but I suppose I don't see those first things as working at a relationship, they're things you work through together - life things, rather than things you have to work at to stay together, which is what 'working at a relationship' suggests to me, if that makes any sense.

[Gillybean]

I understand what you are saying Louise but I guess 'life things' as you put it lol are part and parcel of a relationship if your sharing them together if you know what I mean and it can be how you deal with it together that can define a relationship as to whether there is trust, communication etc after all I guess if your struggling with work, children, bills, or anything really and your partner doesn't help, be supportive then it can feel like you are going it alone.

As Michelle said it's hard to explain I guess

[weezypops]

No, I know what you mean, I think I mustn't be explaining myself properly. I'm not saying you shouldn't work at those things together, of course you should - facing life's difficulties together is part of being in a relationship. I'm saying I see that different from being 'working at a relationship' which suggests to me that actually being together is hard work and that there are times you would rather not be together but will work at it.

[Gillybean]

I'm saying I see that different from being 'working at a relationship' which suggests to me that actually being together is hard work and that there are times you would rather not be together but will work at it.

ahhh I see what you mean now Louise - just a bit slow to understand lol