'Friends With Benefits'

[weezypops]

Discussion about the film in the daily thread got me thinking about 'friends with benefits'. For those who don't know, it's a term for when two people are involved in a sexual relationship but not an emotional one, but more of an ongoing thing than just a one night stand - the idea being that they were friends anyway so might as well get something out of it until someone they really want to be involved with comes along, when the deal ends.

So what do you think of this? Can it ever work? Have you ever been in this sort of situation? Would you think badly of someone you knew who was?

[Gillybean]

I wouldn't think badly of anyone who was after all it's up to them but to me it just sounds like two people using each other and someone will eventually get hurt I guess especially if one of them actually falls in love with the other but the other doesn't feel the same.

I've never done that and only had two relationships in my life one lasting two weeks, the other started 16 years ago and we are still happily together.

[Schmushe]

HAHA!!

Paul and I went through a 'stage' where we were friends with benefits. I do not see anything wrong with it as long as your both the legal age, and use protection. Its not something I would ever do with more than one person at a time either.
We had dated for a bit and then split up. The attraction was still there but neither one of us wanted to start the relationship again so we decided just to have a bit of 'fun'. We had all the benefits but without the hassle of being a couple and all that goes with it.
Over time though, it changed of its own accord, we went from just having all the benefits to everything else gradually creeping in emotionally and it was about a year before we actually admitted we were a couple and probably had been for a while. Everyone else who saw us together said we were a couple, even when we denied it. But it was obvious to everyone else how suited we were to each other - just not to us.
Like I said, I dont see anything wrong with it - we were happy, safe, and it didnt impact on anyone else. I dont think I could ever do it if I had kids though cause of the impression it would set on them, but back in the day when I was young and single - there was no harm in it.
My nan wasnt impressed, but she said to me after a few weeks she knew he was the man for me - and she was right.
I just think it took the pressure off a formal relationship and we could be open and honest with each other from the get go, and there was none of the messing about with dating and matching undies!!
Each to their own though - it worked for us, cause I truely believe he is my soulmate - and as corny as that sounds, I do honestly think he is the only man for me and it worked just by taking that pressure off!!

[Jenn]

I haven't seen the film or heard the phrase before.

I cannot ever imagine 'Doing the deed' without love being involved so cannot see how this would work? Mind you - I also cannot see how 'one night stands' work either? But plenty of people have them and who I am I to judge?

I would be very upset if my boys grew to be the kind of people that didn't think a great deal before being so intimate with someone! Maybe I have old fashioned views? But they were fine for me?

But a stranger or friend of mine doing this? It is not up to me to judge?

Maybe if we watch the film - I will feel different?

[weezypops]

Michelle, yours is definitely a story of how it can work, I suppose because deep down you both wanted something more, it just took you a while to realise it.

I differ to you Jenn in that I don't really see love as a necessity for sex - it definitely makes sex better to also be in love, but I've had a couple of one-night stands and relationships where I just fancied the other person, not loved them, and they worked in their own way!

I had something a bit like this with the bloke I was seeing before Kester, Ian. We were friends and he always used to come up to our house in London and stay for the weekend. We got on well and ended up with a sort of fwb style relationship that went on for about a year. It did get complicated though, I suppose because we never really defined what it was that was happening between us - there were times when things were a little more emotionally involved and would see each other a lot, talk on the phone most nights etc. but then one of us would back out a bit, we wouldn't see each other for a few months, things would go a bit weird etc. In the end it just wasn't worth the hassle, I wanted to know where I stood and he was too flakey- I found myself getting upset when I wouldn't hear from him for a while and would be so annoyed with myself because I didn't actually care that much! Actually, what did end things properly was me meeting Kester, but even then there was never a formal end to it as there had never been a formal beginning either! We're still friends now though and Kester and Ian get on too - though I think part of the reason Ian and I are friends is because we've never really acknowledge anything ever happened between us!

Actually, when I started seeing Kester it was very casual, neither of us thought it would turn into something serious (and in fact he had a bit of a reputation as being a ladies man so I was quite wary) but we just clicked so well that as time went on it became clear that things were going to progress to being more and that we were really right for each other.

So yeah, I think it can be fun and there's certainly a time and a place for it, but unless it progresses into something more, one person does often end up getting more emotionally involved and therefore upset - it's very hard to maintain a balance and distance etc.

[Schmushe]

I also dont see that you need to be in love to have sex, although it is something that I say to the kids all the time (especially Josh - you only have sex with someone you love are married to) - I think its a natural 'motherly instinct'.
I have had one night stands with people I dont love but am attracted to - I dont see it makes me a bad person, just want to have a bit of fun or dont see that person as my life long partner.
I think I will continue to say to the kids about not having sex until they are married, (I dont want to be a grandmother for quite some time yet) and part of what I say is they cant get married until they have a good job and a nice car!! lol - so may take a while.
I do think alot of peoples attitudes stem from their parents, my mum was pretty open and honest with me about sex (like I am with my 2 - not so much with Alexa yet).
As long as your both careful then as far as I can see - theres no harm in it - but yes I do agree it is especially hard when one person falls in love but the other one doesnt - thats when theres a problem in it all, but you could say that about dating, you dont always both fall in love with each other, and sometimes its just not meant to be.

[weezypops]

I agree Michelle, I think that's a good route to take with the kids, at least until they're old enough to understand the complexities of it all! My Mum was open too, I was always able to talk to her about things like this, and I plan to be the same with my kids and will answer questions they have honestly, though in an age-appropriate manner, obviously!

I suppose for me, love isn't key to sex, but respect is. You should treat people well and with respect - being careful, not taking advantage of someone, not pushing them into something they're not ready for, being able to take no for an answer etc., and then also have self-respect, so only do things you're happy with, don't be pressured into things, don't do things just because your friends are etc. - those are more important rules for me than anything to do with love, I tend to think that comes later. I suppose because teenagers often believe they are in love when they're not, and I don't like this idea that is often prevalent amongst teen girls that having sex with a boy will make him love you - I wonder if the idea of sex and love being so intertwined might actually be a little detrimental.

Not saying anyone's wrong by the way, just pondering!

[Jenn]

Okely dokely! I suppose - as I say I am old fashioned - I still think - Love, marriage, sex! But I know I am in a minority in this view and would never say that friends were doing it wrong. (well not it - you know what i mean - how would i know if they were doing 'it' wrong?) LOL! Hmmm - I'm waffling LOL!

Funnily enough - I don't say love when talking to William about it? odd - I say - people must never do that unless they want to have baby with that person. (anyone can have an accident baby) (sometimes adverts etc come up or tame programmes - all very very tame. But then he knows that you should be in love with someone before having a baby - so I suppose he does know that?

[Gillybean]

I guess myself and Dave wanted to be married first before we had a family together and we say make love rather than have sex lol and tell the kids they should find some one they love before committing to anything.

I have no problem with people who perhaps are friends and aren't committed to each other but have fun it's their choice after all, I just personally would rather know that the person I am with is serious about me but then I did get together with Dave at age 18 and been with him ever since, so I guess I haven't really experienced any other way.

[Gina73]

Totally agree louise and michelle. i had a 'FB' before i met steve. we both knew ehere we stood and were careful. i planned on moving to spain so didnt want amything serious we used to go out and have a laugh but that was as far as it went neither of us wanted a full blown relationship. but then it was not supposed to be serious with steve either fue to the spain plans but then life never is planned and look at us now.

[natlia]

I totally think that it can work as long as both are informed where the limit is and that it's ok to date other people at the same time. At least this is what I think about it. But honestly I never was in this situation yet therefore I cannot say that I'm experienced with friends with benefits.