parenting an adhd child

[Gillybean]

right, Abigail came out of school yesterday and i was told by the teacher that she had stolen money from another child"s draw and was caught, from what Abigail told me she just lost a few minutes of break but last week i was told she had twice defaced or broken a school ruler and board rubber and we were told she got a verbal warning and we were told if she did anything else like that she would get a red card and a letter home (3 red cards and she would get sent home) so why she didn't get a red card for stealing i don't know

but

once she got home we told her we were very disappointed and upset she had stolen and her punishment was to go to bed straight away, all toys and teddies removed from her room and given toast for dinner and juice and that was it.
she work up this morning in a mood, swore at us, shouted and refused to get dressed, we managed to get her ready for school and to school but because of her rudeness and telling us to 'F' off she will be in bed straight after school again.

what else can we do?
the honeymoon period is well and truly over.

Parenting is hard enough but with a child who uses impulses to do things without thinking of the consequences and doesn't seem to care it's so much harder, she told us she wanted something from the tuck shop that was more money than we had given her and i told her that was no excuse and she could have come and asked me and i would have given her more today, as it is we have agreed with the teacher to ban her from having money in school now.

[Schmushe]

Has she actually been diagnosed with ADHD now gill or are you using ADHD tactics in case?

When is her next review appt? It might be worth trying to move it forward. Explain things are getting progressivley worse and you really need help.

Personally I would ask the school for more help. If they think she has ADHD too then they should be guiding you abd helping with the behaviour. It's not a quick fix solution and I know tons of people who a) have battled for well over 9 years for a diagnosis and b) have spent years putting in boundaries and are still waiting for results to show.

I think it's a difficult situation your in. Children her age do steal, swear, misbehave etc. But if the school really do feel she gas problems they should be helping you implement more things at home. It is hard for a child to behave all the time. We all have kids that are little gits and it's often hard to get out of the bad behaviour routine. I'd go back to toddler basics. Praise the good. Ignore the bad.

I wouldn't concentrate on ADHD tactics unless you have been told by someone it's an official diagnosis and then they will tell you which are suitable for her age and stage if development. It's do hard as there are tons of ta tics out there and the last thing you want us to confuse her by using too many. Like I've said before she's very bright and I have known bright children read things and then copy behaviour they have read!!

[Gillybean]

HI Michelle

we haven't been given an official dx, our next appointment is in january. The school are doing what they can it doesn't help that they are insisting she go on this trip to the zoo but she is playing up big time, we should as parents be allowed to take that privildge away from her. Normal discipline doesn't work, look at last night, she lost proper food, had to stay in her room from 4 till this morning, but she wasn't sorry, she refused to eat her breakfast was swearing at us. Apparently money at school has been going missing for ages in her class and Abigail has been coming home with extra money?

the school have got CAF involved now and they are consulting with experts from the behavioural unit in shoebury opposite friars, they are chasing the lighthouse centre. it is very difficult not to shout at her, take this morning we were talking to her calmly and she told us to 'F' off what am i supposed to do in the situations, if she carries on we wil be in deadlock, her without any food, treats, tv, games ec and us out of punishment ideas

[Schmushe]

I agree with the school I'm afraid. Children should be allowed to go on trips as it's part of their education. It's not something like a club or after school activity which can be taken away.

It might be a idea for her not to take money for tuck if it's an issue. I don't let josh. He takes a piece of fruit every day which is alot healthier. I don't agree with kids taking money in for snacks at this age. It only gets lost / these incidents occur.

Try to put a line under yesterday gill or you'll go round in massive circles with her. It might be time to break the cycle and start a new day fresh. I know it's hard but the punishment should be the end of it all.

[nubs]

I agree with Michelle the tuck shop is a treat so use that as a punishment rather than stopping a trip

I always remember my brother saying to my mum ' i should just be naughty all the time as more notice gets taken of the naughty kids!

[Schmushe]

Kris that is exactly what josh has said before. That the naughty kids get the attention and the rewards at school and no matter hoe much he behaves he doesn't get the same.

[Gillybean]

we are trying to start fresh every day if possible so as she was good at school she got pizza, watched a film with us, got all her toys back. But u said the naughty kids get rewards, the good kids dont but from my point of view the good kids get a better reward they have steady friendships, get satisfaction through acheivment all i see with abie is a constant battle to be liked & understood, gets frustrated with herself with her behaviour be in inner turmoil daily. That is far worse than missed rewards

[sheeina]

now i dont know abigail nor do i know you very well. so please dont think i am judging!!!

i know a fmaily with cousins with ADHD. so i have a little not massive but a little knowledge of the condition.

i think you need to look at your punishments.
what is proper food? why are you taken a basic right away?
i also agree with the school trip. she needs to go. its not only a education point but as you say she is so wanting to be with friends and this might to more good.
i too would stop the cash in school for tuck shop. i dont think i would be very happy with the school for having a tuck shop! they dont need that!
i can get toys away tv etc as that was my punishment as a child my father used to cut the plugs off our tvs videos and video games and hi fis when naughty and grounded so couldnt hide in bedroom at same time.

it must be so head banging against wall for you. and i really do feel for you! must make you feel like rubbish day in day out.
i really hope this gets better doe you soon. xxx

[Gillybean]

thanks sheeina

we have stopped the money for tuck
we didn't take away food we just gave her something boring and a smaller portion we would never let her go without but better to have toast with jam i might add then her get her favourite meal.
If we take away tv, toys and teddies she isn't bothered and will still sit in her room for hours after her bedtime has come and gone and still be wide awake
or if she is in a caring mood and we take them away she runs out of the house, hits herself and pulls her hair out and goes for the knives so either way we have problems

it is very hard, distressing, frustrating and annoying when i get some one say all kids behave like this, they certainly don't most kids don't self harm or threaten their family or run off when annoyed about homework or a toy, yeah they might stamp their feet and shout or mumble under their breath but that's about it, they might get annoyed at their punishment but will eventually say they are sorry and be done with it not come out and tell you to 'f' off and get in constant physical fights with thier brother to extreme,
and do silly things like poor powder down the loo and clean the bathroom with a whole roll of loo things you expect a child of 2 or 3 to do not 8 I am sick of it and feel i am rubbish parent or if there is something wrong, why? and when will it end

sorry not having a go at you r anyone lol just ranting but frustrated

[Schmushe]

Gill I don't think anyone thinks your a bad parent but I must urge you if things are getting so bad that she is attempting to harm herself or others that you must get outside support. You need to phone up and explain things have got alot worse and you need to see someone NOW not in jan. A child who is attempting to touch knifed when they are angry needs help and it shouldn't be left.

[Gillybean]

Michelle

I was describing an incident from awhile back to be honest, she hasn't gone for the knives since July, and hasn't hit herself or pulled her hair out for a few weeks or more but has slammed the front door very very hard, thrown things, broken things but every time this happens we leap for the front door to lock it and try to keep her calm. we walk on egg shells trying to keep the peace and tell Dillon off more so he doesn't wind her up too much so any tantrums she has aren't too big. some days are harder than others is all, some days she can be a pleasure to be with and i think why all the fuss but others it's hell. Yesterday we had to coax her and keep her calm just to get her 3 x tables and spelling homework done where as Dillon will gladly get his homework and do it.

[weezypops]

This might be simplistic but why don't you keep the door locked all the time anyway if it's a risk? That way you don't have to rush for it and she won't get a reaction from you.

[Gillybean]

i guess we don't because of a fire hazard if we couldn't find the keys, we couldn't leave them in the door because she would take them i guess, plus if someone comes to the door it can be embarrassing suddenly remembering the door is locked

[weezypops]

I think if there was a real risk of one of my kids getting out onto the street on a regular basis, I would see that as a bigger hazard than a possible fire. If you make sure you always leave your keys in the same place it wouldn't be a problem would it? Plus I doubt anyone would even notice if they knocked! Or what about getting a bolt fitted high up where she can't reach it?

[Gillybean]

true louise, I guess because it doesn't happen all the time but can be a sudden thing we just don't always think about it but if it continue's to happen more often then i will consider it