A little bit of advice if possible please...

[Random_Princess]

Hey everyone.

Im not really sure where to begin so i'll just type and hopefully someone will be able to make sense of my ramblings lol. Well I met my now ex last year and we had a whirlwind relationship, I fell pregnant after 3 months of being with him after ,i feel, being pressured into it. I always wanted children and never wanted to be an old mum ( my own mum is older and we have never got on and its the same story for my nan and my mum) but my ex said he wanted children with me after us being together for a month. I believed he was 'the one' and took great care of me, at first. I believed everything he said to me, even when he was hiding my pill and saying I must have lost it somewhere in the flat even though it was no where to be seen. My ex had an anger problem and after finding out I was pregnant he started being violent towards me. He'd push and poke me and once he struck me, he'd push me into walls and waldrobes and once he got so angry he grabbed hold of my wrist and rubbed my knuckles down the bathroom wall untill they bled. He used to push me outside the flat in the cold weather with no shoes or coat but me being foolish I believed all the times he said he was sorry and that he realised he was wrong. We moved into our own house and things got even worse, I ended up leaving my family home with him and moving back to my parents house when I was 3 months pregnant. The night I left was awful and it was the first time the police were called out. We had a small row and he ignored all my attempts to sort it out and ignored me for 9 hours, I gave up in the end and decided to go to bed thinking maybe he'll be ok in the morning but instead he played porn on his computer at full volume so I couldn't sleep. I had had enough, I started packing my things whilst he was in the other room. He came in and didnt like what he saw and started throwing all my belongings out the window of our house breaking a lot of my stuff. I ran down the stairs and he was following me, I called the police but he went to the food cupboard and started throwing glass jars, bottles, packets of pasta, sauces, anything he could hurl at me whilst I was on the phone to the police. I was scared for mine and my unborn babies life. He grabbed me and forcefully pushed me outside in the pouring rain (wonderful weather on 2nd July, was a storm) once again with no jacket. He left the house to walk the dog whilst I hid behind my car and his words to me were, and I quote, ' Dont you ever F*****g come back you B***h, Your a chicken S**t'.
Since ive been back my parents have been absolutly brilliant, offering all the support and anything I could ever need. My ex used to spend all out money on his motorbike and weed and I wasn't eating properly and lost a stone and a half in a month which my parents helped me to regain control of my eating and I am now fine. When I first left the only way we spoke was him sending me abusive text messages, he then called me at 1am and woke me up, we spoke and I (stupidly) agreed to see him the next day. My parents managed to talk me out of it but he didnt like that and turned up at my house. He has threatened to take my daughter off me and to fight me all the way for custody. Im so scared because I feel like since ive been pregnant ive dealt with it all myself with the help of my family and to have him say that hurts. I found out he's taken to drink quite obsessivly but I am so scared. What are the chances of him taking my daughter off me? I don't want to lose her. He's such an evil person he really doesn't deserve to know her at all. Im sorry for this long post and sorry its all jumbly but I thought if I give all the facts over it may help someone understand the situation and be able to help me. I just want to know what people make of the situation and if he can actually take her away from me. Thanks,

Claire xx

[nubs]

you need to document everything that has happened and anything that does happen, there should be no way that a violent man will get custody of your child. U will also need witnesses - and then find a good solicitor x hope u get it sorted

[weezypops]

Firstly, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this. It sounds absolutely awful and he sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Secondly I really think his chances are minimal. I'm not an expert by any means but it doesn't sound like he would have much luck in any court.

however, I would say you should strat documenting every single thing you can. It might be too late for some things but keep any text messages he sends you, any answer phone messages. Write down dates and times of things that happened, even in the past.

What happened when you called the police? I would also think that would be something that would work against him.

It sounds to me like he's just trying to scare you and I'm not surprised it's working.

I have a contact at a Domestic Abuse Service I can ask for advice if you want. Just let me know.

[Random_Princess]

The police refered me to a place called Parklands in Basildon and im currently going to councelling there, it does help I must say. Every message he sent me since I left ive kept and ive even recored the phone call we had at 1am. The police have 2 reports against him now. He was also so kind enough to tell me the night I left he had a poor 16year old girl in the house we had together. I feel awful becuase I know she'll have no idea what he's like and I cant warn her. I still kinda feel like maybe I didnt give him enough chances to sort it out. I wanted to have the family we planned with him so badly but I cant be with someone im scared of. Part of me feels like its missing still. I gave up everything for him.

[weezypops]

No no no, you don't owe him any chances. Really, it's part if his game to make you feel like you do.

If he's been this way to you when you're pregnant, what would stop him being the same with your child?Honestly, keep well away.

[Random_Princess]

Well me and him haven't spoken for 16 weeks and I have no intention of speaking to him, I couldn't even face the friends we'd made since we got together so Ive lost a lot of friends too, it was too hard and I was scared they'd keep going back to him and tell him things about me and baby. In all honesty if I wasn't pregnant i'd still be there, I know my mind and I wouldn't have left but I had to leave because its not just me to think about anymore and I couldn't do that to my baby or put her in that situation.

[weezypops]

I think that's important to remember. However you feel about him, it's not fair on your baby to put her in that sort of environment. You'll do great without him, I'm sure!

[Jeanette]

Claire I read your post earlier and thought 'my god, how awful', but just didn't know how to respond immediately (and I was cooking dinner).

I really do think you have made the right decision to get away from him and keep well clear. He's definitely not father material.
It must have been really scary for you but I'm glad that you are now with your parents and they are behind you.
I doubt very much if he would stand the slightest chance of gaining custody so don't worry.

I'm glad you've joined the site as it sounds like you could do with extra support and advice, of which you will get plenty from the ladies on here.

[Clairebear]

Wow, you have been through a lot. Thank goodness you were strong enough to get away from the situation. To repeat what Jeanette and Louise have said, no way should you ever go back to him, you owe him nothing. As far as text messages go, you can't really use them in court as they are too easily messed with, my sister has gone through some similar things, but with emotional and mental abuse and she was told that, but the police reports would definitely be taken into account. It is very rare for a father to be awarded custody in any situation, let alone one who is violent and abusive so please try not to worry too much about it. I know what you mean about wanting the whole family unit, but believe me, it is possible to do it all alone and one day you can look at your lovely child and say to yourself 'I did that all by myself!' Hope you feel better about things soon, we are all here if you need us x

[artyfartymack]

Hi Claire, didn't want to read and run. I think for your sake it is great that you have your beautiful daughter to tear you away from someone who sounds like a monster. I know it can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship and if it took your baby girl to make you do it then she was obviously sent to you for a reason. You are no doubt a great Mum and care deeply for your baby hence why you are looking for advice to make sure she is safe. You've certainly come to the right place to meet Mummy friends who will offer you help, support and advice. Essex Mums is a community and some great friendships have been born out of it. I wish you the best of luck in your mission to keep away from your ex and am positive he stands no chance of getting anywhere near your daughter.

[Gina73]

I also couldnt read and run. I think you have been so brave and strong, it takes so much strength to walk away from something. I left my partner of 11 years a few years back, he was never physically abusive to me but mentally he had a hold over me. I know how difficult it is to walk away but it does get easier. Once you realise how much better life is and how many opportunities there are out there you will realise that you made the right decision. I dont see how the court will give him custody of your child, as long as you are giving her a warm and good upbringing I dont see why they would take her away and give her to him. I really hope everything works out for you x

[tammyb]

I didn't want to read and run, but what all of the other ladies have said is good advice. I too have been in not a very nice relationship and did the same, gave chance after chance, then one day it clicked in my head that it was wrong and so i got the locks changed on my flat and packed all his stuff up by the front door, i had the support of my family but all they knew was that i wasn't happy, but at least no kids were involved.
You did the right thing for your little one and you should be proud of yourself. Good luck with it all x

[Jenn]

Hi Claire,

Just wanted to send you a hug really and congratulate you on being so strong. Don't really know what to say but I can't imagine any courtroom would allow him near a child. Try not to worry too much about it and remember to look after yourself!

[Random_Princess]

Thank you so much everyone. My family have been telling me the same thing but obviously ive always thought they were biased and still scared about what could happen. Knowing you have all said the same thing here aswell is brilliant, I cant thank you enough. Leaving was the hardest decision ive ever made and its very strange being back at home but I know I was right to do so. I have 4 weeks today untill in due so im scared but taking my raspberries leaf tablets. It seems so strange to me that my ex pushed me so hard to have this baby and then he lost all interest and became jealous. I dont think I will ever understand it but I really appretiate all the advice and support. Still nervous I have to do it all myself but I do have my family behind me and a few friends and I wont hesitate to ask here if I need any advice. Thank you so much once again.

Claire xx

[weezypops]

I think most people are nervous at your stage in pregnancy regardless of their situation - it's a big life change. However, I think most women are well equipped for coping with it all, even if it's not always easy!