Anniversary

[BrandonsMum08]

I dont mean to vent on people but i feel if i dont type this i'll breakdown...

Havent posted properly for a couple of days. Had a tough few days. Was in a REALLY foul mood yesterday with emotions running very high. Everything seemed to annoy me, even the littlest things and ended up having very big arguement with OH. Weve never argued with raised voices before, its always only been disagreements really. Fortunately after a good nights sleep for both of us we are all good again. But tonight ive been sitting here fiddling about on the net and its finally hit me why ive been so touchy this week... Its the first anniversary of my bestfriends death on tuesday.

I was almost 16weeks pregnant and hadnt spoken to my bestfriend Sam for a couple of months. Partly down to us both having serious relationships, me being pregnant and not wanting to go out partying (because i was scared of miscarrying), and also there was some shit stirring from another "friend". At 8pm 28th Oct 2007 i decided enough was enough and i wanted things sorted as me and Sam had been bestfriends for 6 years and been through thick and thin together and always made it out the other side. So i phoned her and got no answer. I found out from another friend that she was out shopping with another friend, and from being friends for so long, i knew that she didnt always answer her phone when shopping and never did whilst driving. I went to bed and was woken up by a phonecall from a mutual friend at 1am saying that Sam and her boyfriend Phil had died in a car accident around 10pm that night. At first i thought it was a wind up because id tried calling her earlier, but then i noticed the tone of our friends voice and knew instantly she wasnt actually joking. I got straight up, threw on some clothes and just starting walking, i didnt know where to, but just did. I phoned Andy to say what had happened and he got up and drove to come and find me. About 10mins later he said he might take a while cos a road near mine was blocked off and he'd have to find his way round the back roads. When he picked me up he told me he'd seen the wreckage on the way to me. I told him to take me there straight away. By this point id gone into some state of shock and was just staring. As soon as i saw her car i burst into tears and made him ask the police officer if she would have been in pain. He said he didnt know so i told Andy to take me to the hospital as thats where the rest of my friends were. Once there i was told she'd died of a broken neck and had barely any external injuries despite the fact her car had rolled, crashed into another car and mounted the pavement onto the grass. They said she died instantly and wouldnt have felt pain. Her boyfriend died of the same thing but was in short coma in the car before passing away when medics arrived.
It turns out, she'd gone home from shopping, and back out down the road for a loaf of bread. She hadnt even been gone 10mins when the police were knocking at her parents door. She inquest reported that the cause of the car losing control was because of a screw in her tyre and had made her tyre blow out, Apparently the most experienced racing driver would have had trouble controlling her car in that situation. After her initial accident, a car was then coming in the opposite direction, being driven by a drunk driver, several times over the limit who had already been driving for 2hours from cambridge. When he saw the accident, it is reported that because he was so drunk, instead of hitting the breaks, he accidently hit the accelerator and hit Sams car. The legal limit of alcohol has a number reading of something like 35 or 36 apparently, and his was 155! And this was after 2hrs of no drinking. As he didnt contribute to their deaths he was only fined £1000 and got 3yrs ban, reduced to 18months if he attends some driving awareness course thing.
Anyway...There were so many things i wanted to talk about with her that night and felt like i still needed to say them, so i went to visit her in the chapel of rest. It tore my heart to pieces seeing her laying there lifeless, but i said everything i needed to and asked her to guide my baby when they were born. Her parents were there when i arrived and waited for me to come out. It was totally inappropriate i feel for them to have found out i was pregnant then, but it seemed to put a smile on their faces.
I struggled for weeks to come to terms with what happened and had to take a couple of weeks off work as she lived right opposite my work place and i couldnt bring myself to go and not see her car parked outside.
It was her funeral on 8th Nov 2007 and he was so hard, but so beautiful at the same time. Around 300-350 people turned up to pay their respects, even a couple of teachers from our old school came.
As time went on i got back to my normal self, i think mainly because i was pregnant and had something to look forward to. On occasions i felt really bad and guilty for moving on so quick but now the anniversary is creeping up i can feel it all coming back on top of me again.
The worst part is, i dont speak to anyone from our "main group" of friends anymore. Too much bulls**t was spread about, and unforgivingly, my so called friends decided to believe someone they'd known for 1 week over their bestfriend of over 6yrs. So i dont feel i can mourn my bestfriend properly like they can by supporting each other.
I will be visiting her memorial site over the crematorium on tuesday to pay my respects, let her "meet" Brandon and probably have a cry as well which i seem to be doing alot of this week.

Sorry for the long one if you read on the way, and sorry in advance if it upsets any of you.

RIP Sam and Phil, thinking of you always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jeanette]

Oh so sorry for you.
Be strong.

[weezypops]

Sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how it feels to lose a friend like that. It's sad to lose anyone, but someone so young and with so much ahead must just be awful.

[Bruch70]

So sorry to hear that. Must be very diffcult for you. I have experienced all sorts of losses and been with those who have lost too and the only thing i know is you have to do what feels the right thing to do for you. It is very hard and these times come around that remind you more strongly of the ones that are missing from you life but you have to feel what you feel and take the time to let yourself grieve- it will still come out eventually when people just try to carry on and sometimes in more painful ways.

I think it will be lovely to take your baby along with you as you go to remember her and will give you some comfort as children invariably do at such sad times- they remind us how wonderful life is and how much happiness and joy is still there in the world.

Sending warm thoughts to you at this difficult time

Vicky

[Gina73]

Sorry to hear things are not good with you at the moment.

I hope visiting her next week will help you, I do believe that she will be listening to you when you visit her.

[Nikki_24]

So sorry for your loss and you didn't get the chance to say everything you wanted to although i'm sure she'll be listening to you next week. Thinking of you xxxx

[artyfartymack]

I know you believe in spirit and angels. If you asked her to watch over you I am positive she is doing just that and the last thing she would want is for you to be sad.

Chin up hun (((hugs)))

xxx

[XxJack~AcexX]

Sorry to hear that your feeling so down huns, it must be so hard to lose a friend like that, be strong lovey x

[jennagooding]

Im so sorry to hear that. Thinking of you all x