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#1 Unread post by **Schmushe** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 1:45 am

I know alot of you guys are having problems of your own, but I felt as if I needed a place to let things out and hope I'd feel better after - so here goes.
I havent been coping the last few months, due to today being the date I would of made 'full term'.
I had a m/c at the beginning of the year, and although I wasnt sure about the pregnancy - in fact I hate to admit it, but I was devestated, purely because it was a complete shock and due to my pcos I didnt think I would be able to actually 'fall'. and that Alexa had only just been born in July, I really didnt know how I'd handle the whole prematurity, hyperemisis, I/C thing again - so close together + a scbu trip!!
It didnt help that I didnt actually know I was preg - I just thought I was having irregualr periods due to the pcos and added stress when my nan passed away, my aunt and my cousin both said to me on the day of the funeral I was pregnant, and I told them not to be silly! I took a test a week later and I was!!!
It was like fate took the decision out of my hands and I had a m/c. and tbh it didnt affect me much at the beginning, but for some reason I made a notes in my diary when I would of been 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 28 weeks, 33 weeks and obviously full term (which I would never of made).
I had to have the m/c 'completed' so ended up in hospital, just for a day, alone and not quite sure how I felt about it all. It sort of felt like 'just another day' to begin with, but as the day got on, it started to dawn on me exactly what had happened - particularly as where you go is close to delivery suite and post / ante natal wards.
As time went on, I was ok, or so I thought! Dont get me wrong, I'm not breaking down every time I see a baby or pregnant woman or go into baby shops or anything like that!
I have spoken to a few people, including my Dh and a counsellor, and I know it obviously wasnt meant to be, but it still hasnt stopped me from wondering 'what if'!
I usually feel ok, but obviously today is the big '40 weeks' (not that I would of made it that far) so am feeling emotional and a little depressed tbh.
The weird thing is, I cant sleep! I seem to be able to stay up all night but dont have the energy to do things in the day. I spoke to the Gp who said she didnt think I was depressed, and its to be expected, and in time I will feel better. Great help!
Dh wants us to try for another baby, but for 5 months now I havent had a period - due to the pcos I think ?? and I am beginning to wonder if its actually fates way of saying thats enough - no more!?
I feel we have been so lucky with Joshua and Alexa - the fact that medically they are ok a majority of the time, and I love the fact I have one of each, so dont get me wrong - I just felt as if 3 was our number - if that makes sense!
Anyway i'm rammbling, and most of you probably stopped reading after the first few words!
I just dont know how to get over this - maybe I never will! I am not the 1st or last to have a m/c and I feel silly feeling this way - but I just dont know how to stop feeling this way!
People keep telling me I have to grieve - but how can I grieve for something I wasnt happy about to begin with,a nd it took losing it to make me realise exactly how much I wanted it!?
I know now that having another baby is really what I want now, but obviously the pcos has now taken hold and I sort of feel like I have missed my chance.

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Thanks for reading!

#2 Unread post by **Jeanette** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 7:44 am

Oh Michelle. So sorry that you are feeling sad. It's completely understandable that you feel worse today. Although it wasn't a planned pregnancy it still was a pregnancy and a baby.
You say it didn't seem to bother you too much when it was all happening but maybe that was your way of coping. (Switch off).
You are bound to feel confused by your emotions. The fact that you were shocked when you discovered the pregnancy doesn't mean you should blame yourself for what happenend. How many other pregnancies are a shock?
You won't forget but time will heal.
Thinking of you.

#3 Unread post by **weezypops** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 10:05 am

I think it's completely normal that you feel this way, based on what I've seen of other people. I think that finding out your pregnant is such an emotional experience anyway - even if you have been trying for one and are really happy about it, there is a part of you that is scared and nervous about it. The fact that you weren't sure you wanted it probably means that your grief is tied up with guilt (which is understandable, even though I don't think you should blame yourself for it) which i stopping you from being able to grieve properly.

It feels like such a cop-out to say but i think time will heal. For now though, why don't you try and do something to remember the baby by, whether that's just talking to your husband about it all tonight, what might have been etc. or going for a nice walk, maybe even buying a plant or something. It might sound a bit cheesy, but I think you need to start letting yourself feel sad about the loss rather than feeling like you're not allowed to, you know?

#4 Unread post by **XxJack~AcexX** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 11:01 am

Ahhh huns, that feeling inside you of course will never ever go but it does help to talk about things, even including what could have been. I think that is one of the hardest things, as you just wonder what that little person would have been like or who he/she would have looked like. Dont blame yourself for what happened, its a cruel world sometimes and some things are taken away from us without any warning.

I think that when it comes to the date that baby would have been due, it really does hit you again and feels raw again. Am thinking of you, and i hope things get easier for you.

I really hope things work out for you hun, and have those fingers crossed that you could have another chance of having another. Like you say you feel very greatful for your 2 that you have already with you, and little ones certainly do put a smile on your face when you need it most.

Just keep talking hun, and grieve when you need to, i feel it makes you feel worse if you keep it all in. There are many of us on here if you need to chat, and unfortunate to say have been through a similiar thing huns, you just take care and take each day as it comes. XX

BrandonsMum08 · #5 Unread post by **BrandonsMum08** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 11:47 am

Like everyone has said, you do need to grieve. That guilt feeling is totally understandable, but it is definately not your fault. Like you say, fate took the decision for you, and instead of thinking of it in a negative way, think positive (hard i know) in the fact its given you more time to treasure and get to know your other 2, especially Alexa as she was still a baby when it happened.
Hopefully you start feeling better soon, thinking of you xxx

#6 Unread post by **Gina73** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 7:05 pm

You do def need to grieve, having had a m/c myself although you never got to see or hold that baby they were still there and are still missed. You may not have conceived yet but that isnt to say you never will. You will be very emotional at the moment and probably not totally relaxed which may not be helping things. Just enjoy what you have at the moment and maybe one day you will be suprised with the news that you are expecting. Will keep fingers crossed for you. We are here if you ever need to talk, dont worry about rambling on we are women and we all do it

#7 Unread post by **Schmushe** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 8:31 am

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Yesterday wasnt too bad - even managed to go to sleep from 7pm till 8 am this morning!!

#8 Unread post by **Jeanette** » Wed Oct 22, 2008 8:52 am

You obviously needed it then.

Glad things weren't too bad for you yesterday.

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