Self-indulgent whining

[weezypops]

Firstly, sorry, if you don't want to hear some moaning and rather self-indulgent whining then I suggest you stop reading!

So, as you may know, Kester and I have decided not to have any more kids. After the three miscarriages we just feel like it's too much to keep going through, that a third was always a want rather than a need, and that we're too happy with what we have now to keep upsetting ourselves with what might be. Everything over the last year has been so hard for us, but also for the kids - FElix only knew about one of the babies but was so hurt that it had 'gone' and even when they didn't fully know what was going on, the kids knew I was in hospital etc. so it took its toll one way or another.

In theory we're happy with the idea of no more. I love the ages the kids are now and the bigger the gaps get the more impractical it seems to have another. I don't especially want sleepless nights again, I don't want to change nappies, I like that I can (generally) reason with my kids, that they are a fun little team. I don't want ot have to spend money on a bigger house, a bigger car. I like that it's easy for the four of us to go on holiday. I like that I get more time to work and that when Iris starts school I can really knuckle down during the daytime.

And yet... every time I see a baby it makes me want to cry. So many of my friends, and other people I know are pregnant or have newborns and it totally breaks my heart to think that we won't have one. Some of my closest friends are pregnant or trying and there's a part of me that feels like I want to part of the pregnant gang! Seeing a pregnant woman still makes me feel so very sad that it didn't work out for us.

At the weekend we went to a wedding of two of our closest friends, both of whom are one of four kids. Kester said to me that as much as he was happy with our decision to not have any more, when he looked at the two big families it made him rather sad that we wouldn't have that. It wasn't like he was putting any pressure on me, just being honest, but it made me think that yes, I feel the same way.

I just don't really know what to feel about it all. In an every day, practical sense, I'm happy as we are now, terrified of trying again, and genuinely don't want to. The bigger the gap between the kids gets, the more I think a baby would be a bad idea, and having another would set me back another four or five years workwise. And yet, I still feel so heartbroken at the thought of not having another, and just want to cry when I see pregnant women and newborns. Maybe that's somethign that just doesn't go away.

Argh, I don't really know what I expect anyone to say. Told you it was self-indulgent.

[Schmushe]

Louise, it isnt self indulgent to think or feel the way that you do. To 'declare' that your not having any more / not going to ttc anymore, is a massive thing and isnt something I personally think you can say (unless you take medical procedures to make sure it doesnt happen again). There is always going to be the 'what if', the 'we could' and the 'maybes', and I dont think they ever go away.
We've all said the 'Im never having another' and meant it at the time, but then later on changed our minds.
I think you were very brave to say that you werent going to ttc anymore so quickly after everything that happened, most people it takes a few months of not trying before they make the decision one way or another and even then it can change rapidly.
The way you feel when you see a pregnant person / hear about someone ttc or see a newborn, is perfectly understandable, I feel exactly the same thing and it has only been the last few months that I have actually really been close to a baby - one a few minutes old and one a couple of weeks old - and for me that was about 11 months after losing Nathan.
We all deal with things differently, you and I are completly opposite but that doesnt mean we dont feel the same things, or want the same thing.
I personally think that you should see your GP, see if you can have some tests / be referred - try to figure out what went 'wrong', at least then it may be something that you might be able to change. Then re-evaluate things once you have everything clear on the table and then re-look at things. It might be worth looking into some counselling if your feeling the way you do, someone to talk to that will understand and be able to help you with your loss.
We all look at the age gaps between the kids and think how wonderful it is that you have no pushchair, no nappies, things are easier and cheaper, but if in your heart your not happy, it might be worth just looking a bit deeper into things to see if there is any chance of things going right in another pregnancy!!
Kids are very good when it comes to things, I know Felix was upset that you lost the baby, but kids can also pick up on how we feel and make them feel worse, they sense things (like animals lol) and can tell the 2 second crying to the world is ending crying. I know he had a understanding that the baby was there and then it wasnt, but your emotions and the 'ora' in the house was one of loss and is easy to pick up on and make you feel terrible.
Josh is older and used to beg me not to have any more children, he now asks if I can have another baby cause he'd like another brother or sister on a regular basis.
Your mind will always tell you the pros and the cons, but only you and Kester know in your hearts what you want to do. Maybe have a chat with him - a open, honest one, and if its one that you both would like to ttc again - then you have your answer!!

(Sorry for rambling)

[weezypops]

Thanks Michelle, you make a lot of sense (as always!).

[XxJack~AcexX]

Hey hun. Ahh your certainly not whining!!! Sometimes its easier to write things down I think.
It certainly helped me when I lost again before having Ace.

Hun I dont really no what to write.. I no what I want to say but dont no how to if that makes sense.
Time huni.. Thats what I think will help with everything you have mentioned and the feelings. Its so hard when you have lost and you see and hear about others being pregnant. People around you probably dont now how to act with it either.

I think too that you have times that you think Yes im happy with the 4 of us and you always think what if and what could have been thats for sure. When it comes to the age gap thing I think that if you guys do decide to go for another and fingers crossed everything will be fine. Honestly I thought wow what a gap I have with the boys but do you no what its so lovely hun. Yes it will make you think Okay I have to set myself back a bit with work etc. However Lou whatever you decide do it for you both. I agree have a chat with Kester and be honest with eachother. You can be there for each other either way whatever you decide.

I hope some of that makes sense as sometimes its hard to write what your thinking.

Either way as the saying goes.. Lifes to short, live life and be happy with the decisions you make. Make the most of what you do have huni, sometimes things certainly arent easy. Give things your best thats all you can do.

I certainly think also after having 2 m/c's for whatever reason something wasnt right, It doesnt make anything easier but Im truely greatful gfor my 2 boys that I do have and I need to enjoy them xxx

[bluewaterbabeiam]

Louise I know exactly where you are coming from because I feel the same!!

I know we are very very lucky to have two happy healthy children already and I know we just can't fit another into our life BUT it doesn't stop me really wanting just one more child!! I love babies and have always loved the baby stage and it breaks my heart too when I see newborns and hear of pregnancies and yes I know I shouldn't feel like that but I do!! I just can't help it and I know I have a baby already who is only 11months nearly but I still feel like it!
Mark is sensible and is more than happy with 2 children, we only live a small two bed house, can't afford to move to a bigger one, we can't fit 3 LO's in the back of our car, and I am 40 so I know it would be less easy to fall pregnant and there would be more risks YET I still feel the same!

I'm really trying to accept it just won't happen and I know that its for the best on a number of levels but it is very hard to accept. Joshua will be 1 at the end of Jan and I think I have found it so much harder to see him growing up knowing he will be my last. I know we are lucky and very blessed but I do know where you are coming from to some extent!

I do feel terribly guilty for feeling this way and don't wish to be judged, its just how it is!

Hopefully we can all come to terms with our feelings in time xx

[nubs]

I feel the longing for more babies but made the decision for Tom to be snipped when Sam was 6 wks old - I was seriously contemplating a third but my recovery from the section was a struggle and I just couldn't handle going through it again, maybe if I could give birth naturally no.3 would be here or being cooked - I know that my decision was right and my boys get on so well.

I think like Michelle that maybe if you knew why or could be referred for tests it may help you come to a more definate decision, you and kester have such a great relationship and whatever decision you both make will be the best one for both you as a couple and a family x

[weezypops]

Yeah, I'm thinking tests might be the way forward, at least it will give us an idea if there's actually something wrong which might help us decide once and for all. They said it was unlikely though as we have two kids already, normal pregnancies, and the fact that we have one of each, as genetic problems are usually found in one sex but not the other etc.

Thanks everyone. I don't think there's an answer really but I appreciate all your input. I suppose it's just that it was this time last year that the first one happened so I've been thinking about it a lot.

[Schmushe]

I think your doing the right thing, it doesnt hurt to have a few blood tests to rule things out. Maybe even go on a higher dose of folic acid through the gp to help too.

Not being horrible Louise, but you did fall pregnant very quickly after each m/c and maybe that was the common link. I know that things change and now you only have to wait till you have had one period before ttc again, but it always used to be 3-6 months after before re-trying to allow your body and your hormones to get back to normal and your body not to reject things.
You may find that giving your body such a massive break might be just the thing needed and if you do decide to ttc again.

Fingers crossed whatever you decide

[weezypops]

I know what you mean but my midwife and the midwives and doctors at the hospital all assured us that wasn't a problem - they said not to try again until I got my period back but that while they used to say to wait, they now believe that once you're back into a normal menstrual cycle your body is ready. I know research shows new things all the time but that is something we asked and they were adamant it wasn't a problem. Thank you though!

[XxJack~AcexX]

Hun im sure if so they would have advised you to wait longer after the m/c if so. Its quite easy to think oh maybe we didnt wait long enough etc but I dont think this is the case.

Will things be quite straight forward huni with tests and all? I think for your own peace of mind I would be tested and have things analysed. Even if things come back all ok you will no for sure.

I hope things are ok huni you yo start to feel a bit better in yourself. That feeling will never go away I no but hope you feel more eased with things soon x

[weezypops]

They said it would just be a load of blood tests so fairly straightforward - then some would be analysed in Southend and some in London so it might be a while before we heard back.

[XxJack~AcexX]

Are you going to have them done huni? Either way hope your feeling ok and better in yourself soon. x

Ohh sorry off subject.. Could I pick up a lil later what I need to collect from you huns? Will you be in leading up to the party? x

[weezypops]

Yes, I'll be here all day so you're welcome to!

I think we'll have them done, just at some point when we have a chance!

[Schmushe]

Im not saying that the health professionals are wrong when they said you could ttc straight away, I know over years things change - and it used to be asprin shouldnt be used in pregnancy and now they regularly prescribe it for pre-eclampsia and people who m/c alot, so it does all change.
All I am saying is, it may of been a possiblility - something you'll never know obviously, to look at it from a outsider, your body is going through some massive things and like anything you have to give it time to sort it self out, even mentally - stress over 'what ifs' could have a impact on things too, and giving your body the rest the past 9 months or so, might be just the thing and if the test come back inconclusive to why, it is somethng that could never be ruled out.

Good luck with the tests. The dr must want some pretty in depth ones if they have to go to London, so fingers crossed it gives you some peace of mind to make a informed decision

[weezypops]

Oh yes, I do get what you're saying - I suppose it's not something we'll ever really know though.