My story - stillbirth (may need tissues)

[claire]

This is VERY long but telling part of the story doesn't show the complete journey of emotions and I think that even since I wrote this I have "recovered" even more.

This was mainly written in January 2006. My aim was to put into writing the feelings and thoughts that I have experienced since the birth of Natalie in February 2005. I want to share this with family and friends in the hope that it may help them to understand some of the emotions I have felt and explain some of my “mad” behaviour.


It was January 2005, I was almost 37 weeks pregnant and had just has my antenatal check with the midwife. As usual all was fine and my next appointment was in 2 weeks time. By now I was uncomfortable and was hoping that I would not make my next appointment because I would be at home with my baby.

3 days later my baby had a “mad half hour”! I now know that she was probably in distress. The following morning I felt strange, to this day I still don’t know what felt different, maternal instinct I suppose. It wasn’t unusual for the baby not to move early in the morning but by lunchtime I began to worry. Part of me thought that all was fine and nothing could go wrong, these things always happen to others. Deep down, however, I knew something terrible had happened.

The decision to go to the hospital was hard; maybe if I didn’t go it would get better!? I called my husband, Stuart, from a football match, we’d joked about this happening but not in quite this way. His parents came to sit with our daughter, Rachel and off we went. The beginning of the worst journey of our life.

At the hospital I went for monitoring and it was at this point we were told what I already knew, that there was no heartbeat, our baby had died.
It was hard to cry, I don’t think I believed this was happening to us. It is only now that I recognise this as the point at which my brain “shut down”.

The call to our parents was hard. I think they thought I was being neurotic as my due date was approaching. They weren’t expecting this, no-one was.

I remember my first reaction was to think about a funeral. Who would do it? Where would it be? And would people help me do the tea, cake etc afterwards. Looking back, this was the only way I could get through the next few days, focus on organisation.

I was given a tablet to start labour, it didn’t work. So 48 hours later we returned to the hospital, Room 10, to what would be our home until our baby arrived. The room felt like a basic hotel room, TV, microwave en-suite… the only clue to the sadness this room held was the remembrance books and the framed copy of “Footprints” on the wall which came as a real comfort to us.

16 hours later our daughter Natalie entered and left the world. Silence. No crying baby, it felt so wrong. She was beautiful and the image of her sister, only she was sleeping and always would be.
At 3am we had Natalie blessed by one of the chaplains from the hospital. Natalie’s grandparents were with us and it felt as though we were the only ones in the world. It was perfect, her moment.

The following morning was hard. Pete Martin, the hospital chaplain came to see us again. Amongst other things, he gave us advice on how to walk out of the hospital holding our heads high and feeling proud of our daughter. How we did this I will never know, but we did and this was the first step along a very long road.

Our house was quiet and empty, even with a 2½ year old running around. I knew we had to carry on for her sake but I found this impossible. We tried to throw ourselves into the paperwork and funeral arrangements. Each day was a struggle.

The morning of Natalie’s funeral was awful. I didn’t want to see anyone except Stuart. Natalie’s funeral was carried out by Pete and was perfect, I even managed a smile at the beautiful things that he had found to say. It is often said that once the funeral is over it gets better, this could not have been more wrong, this felt like the end and we hadn’t even had a proper beginning or middle.

Now was the time I really began to struggle. I had nothing to organise so I had to deal with my grief! All around me were babies and happy families, no-one knew of my grief. I felt I should have a label on my back to explain my permanent sad expression. I realised that I needed help.

I remembered Pete saying that if I needed to talk he was there. Making that call took all of my courage and was one of the biggest, yet most important steps I would take, I felt a failure that I couldn’t sort myself out but finding someone who I could talk to, easily, that wasn’t directly involved with Natalie was the best thing I could have done!

I was finding everyday chores, particularly shopping, very difficult. Pete advised me that it was perfectly normal for me not to be able to complete the shopping. I felt as though I was letting people down for not being able to cope with day to day things. It was ok to come home (even if I’d only got as far as the fruit and vegetables) when I felt the confused and useless feeling that seemed to take over my body. Eventually I managed to do ¾ of my shopping in one go. I was so pleased with myself as I believed I was making progress. Once I did it all I felt as though another hurdle was safely behind me.

We laid Natalie’s ashes to rest shortly after the post mortem results. She is in a lovely place where we can all go to visit. (We can even take picnics and play there in the summer).

Gradually each day got easier. We took one day at a time, some were good others were shocking and I would just sit in her nursery and cry. Crying is good, I always felt better afterwards but felt as though I should keep it to myself so that I would not upset others.

Grief is strange, externally I seemed ok but inside I was being consumed by feelings I can only describe as madness! I felt as though I had lost the ability to think straight and any confidence I had previously had been wiped out. I spoke to Pete. He became my lifeline. I needed to be able to talk over my “mental” feelings with someone in confidence and be reassured that how I was feeling was, in fact, normal for someone with the experiences I had had in the last few months.

The only way I can explain how I felt is to imagine my brain as hundreds of wires all connected. On the night we were told Natalie had died they all disconnected themselves and left me unable to function.
As time passes the wires gradually reconnect one by one. It is a slow process, they say time heals, it does. Although 2 years ago I didn’t think I would ever feel ok again.

I soon found out I was pregnant again. We were so pleased yet terrified. I wanted to keep this baby a secret until I had it in my arms. I spent the next 8 months in a state of permanent worry.

Christmas was approaching; we were not looking forward to it. If it hadn’t been for Rachel we probably would have tried to ignore it. We were strong enough for this, we talked and cried and decided we would allow ourselves time on Christmas day to grieve and then try to enjoy it for Rachel’s sake. It was not easy but we succeeded, another wire connected.

By now I was very pregnant and very anxious. 2 weeks into the New Year I was induced. Mentally I knew I could not take an awful lot more, after a very quick labour Daniel was born. He cried instantly, he knew the importance of this cry.

Now exactly 2 years on I still have bad days and I’m sure that I always will. They are just less frequent and instead of sobbing uncontrollably I just shed a few tears. I always allow myself to have these Natalie moments, I owe it to her.
Her birth was special. I feel I have a special bond with the few people who were privileged enough to have spent time with my daughter.

Going back to the wires, I know that there are still a fair few stragglers waiting to be reattached but I’m confident that they will in time.

2 years on I still feel the pain of losing Natalie and I’m sure I always will but like everyone said to me when she died it will get easier to bear. Back then I thought they were all talking rubbish I now know different.

I hope that everyone who has taken the time to read has found some comfort in it. It is hard but I can promise you that in 2 years I feel that I have come a long way and I’m sure that there will always be difficult times but with a positive attitude I can deal with them.

“Its good to talk” and I believe that!

Please do not forget Natalie she is part of our lives.

Claire
xxx


Please do not feel sorry for me.....Natalie is part of my life and I am a better person for her.

If anyone else has been through similiar losses I am willing to listen.

If you are still here then a huge thankyou for reading this.

[weezypops]

Claire, thank you so much for posting that. It really is an amazing and moving account. Must have been very hard to write, but I guess quite cathartic too. I always wonder how people can possibly deal with something like that. I just can't begin to imagine, so it's nice to see that it is possible. That as you say, she is still a part of your life and you are a better person because of her.

Needless to say, I have tears running down my cheeks, but I feel priviledged to have heard your story. From an outsider's point of view, it's difficult to ask people about something like this, even though I think we all want to know the story. Really glad you shared it.

[claire]

Since I have moved house I have found that obviously no-one knows what has happened to us and it is very hard not to just mention Natalie in conversation. I don't mean just random comments (That would mean I was mad!) but mainly about number of children I have, child birth stories etc.....

When I meet with some of you lovely ladies I won't feel as though I am springing such a terrible surprise on you all if I mention her.

Also, I hope that my story may help others who may not have had the support that I have had.

I am really sorry to have made you cry - That is why I put the Health warning inthe title....

Love
Claire
x

[Jeanette]

Oh my, what a sad thing to have happened to you.
I just don't know what to say.
So sorry for you, but pleased that time is doing its job and helping you learn to cope.

[vik987]

we spoke on pm as i was interested to hear your story i am glad you posted it on here.

You sounds like a lovely lady & would love to meet you .

What you have gone thorugh i cant imagine, but natalie is always with you & one day you will be joined again.

***HUGS****

[kate]

That is such a beautiful sad story
I can't imagine that situation but it is lovely to see you hopeful about the future
Thank you for sharing

[lemonie17]

oh claire, i am so sorry you had to go thru that, i cant imagine how it felt. You are so brave to share this, and i feel priviledged to read it.
I am pleased you are hopeful for the future ...sending you and your OH lots of love and hugs.

[xJuliex]

Your account was so beautifully written. I am very sorry for your loss but am so glad that you shared with us.

[claire]

Thanks to all of you for you kind words I just hope that I am able to support anyone else who ever needs to post here. I am hoping this will be the least used part of this fantastic site.

Claire
xx

[nubs]

that was both beautiful and yet so sad to read, its such a amazing account of your daughter, brought tears to my eyes!
You sound like your confidence is returning, that you are so hopeful for the future and you have become a strong person !! thank you for sharing such a special event with us!

[mitchellmonkey]

You said have the tissues ready and you were right. Your a very brave lady and very special. Thank you for sharing with us, it must have been and must still be very emotional for you. I can't even begin to imagine what you and your family went through.

Hugs to you hunni xxx

[EssexMum!]

What a sad story. Thank you so much for sharing it.

[alexpgreene]

i too have tears running down my cheeks and i admire your courage of writing your storey,

it takes alot to open up to people you dont know and share experiences, especially one so touching as yours.

im sure your daughter watches over you and doesnt want you to be upset and she knows you will never forget,

your storey is so very touching and i wish you all the best

xxx

[XxJack~AcexX]

Ah lovey. You really are an amazing person. Im so sorry to hear your story. You are a truely brave person to have wrote that and my heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you all the best in the future and lotsa hugs. Your story certainly was a teary one, i couldnt help crying.
You take care and hope things have got easier for you like you say time is a great healer.

XxxxxxxX

[Gina73]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, I am another one with tears running down my cheeks. I cannot even start to imagine what you and your family went through but glad to see you have started to come through it. I understand that it will affect and remain with you for the rest of your life. I suffered a miscarriage at 15 weeks and that was so difficult for me and my family but is nothing to what you had to go through. I am sure Natalie is looking down on you all and you will be together again one day. Thank you again for sharing with us.