When is the right time?

[Schmushe]

For those unfortunate ones of us who have miscarried or lost a baby, or for those who have had a termination (for whatever reason)

- I just wanted to ask, how did you decide when the 'right time' to ttc was again? Is there such a thing as a 'right time?' or is it a case of just sucking it up and dealing with everything as it happens?

Did you feel that you should just keep trying? Or was it a feeling you got that you were 'ready' to try?

Has your experiences put you off ttc again? Do you think you'll ever change your mind??
For me I think I have been put off, I dont think physically or emotionally I could do it again, even though I would love another I dont think I could go through the heartbreak and utter devestation of it happening again.

(For those who know me - I am not thinking about ttc before you think it!! / and not currently expecting!!)

[weezypops]

I don't know if there really is a right time, I think it depends on the person, which I know is a massive cop out!

When we tried again last time we just knew we wanted to, so did, yet this time I don't feel the same way - of course we would prefer for me to still have been pregnant, but given our situation we feel that at the moment we don't want to try again enough for it to keep happening - it's not just a physical thing but the fact that it's disruptive for the kids etc and I'm sure gets worse each time. I don't feel like I want to try again and am happy with how we have things - a third was always a bonus for us anyway. I think maybe that's key - it depends on whether you feel that you NEED another baby or would just like one - like with Iris we knew we really wanted another child, that we saw ourselves as a family of four at least. More than that has always been a bonus.

A situation like yours is considerably more extreme, obviously and carries a lot more psychological burden. Saying that, I know a woman whose son died at 3 days old. Obviously they were distraught but decided to try again straight away and she got pregnant about two months after he died. I imagine for many people that would be far too soon, but for them it seems like it was the right choice and actually helped her in the grieving process etc. She'll never get over the loss of her first son but is very very happy to have her second.

[XxJack~AcexX]

Ahh I agree in what Louise has written every one is different and someone who has lost a baby may feel they are ready again soon after whereas others feel they need to wait or decide thats it.

I personally when I had the m/c before Jack didnt no I was pregnant and I felt ... what could have been.. It made us want a child.. Thankfully we had Jack
My last m/c before having Ace they classed as a missed m/c as we didnt no the fetus had died. It took us a while to decide that we wanted to try again, about 6-9 months and too I dont think my body was ready for it as it took us over a year to fall. Thankfully I then fell pregnant and had Ace


I no its not really the same but we have decided thats it for us too. Honestly I didnt think I would fall again and when I did with Ace I was sooo scared I was going to lose him one way or another. We are so thankful for the boys and honestly I dont think I/We could go through another loss of a miscarriage again, even down to the emotional period of trying as it doesnt always happen at once. I hope this all makes sense.

xx

[Schmushe]

I do think its down to the individual, I know people that have lost a baby and then immediatley tried for another, whilst others have decided thats enough.

I think its true that everyone deals with things differently, I couldnt imagine falling pregnant again, and I know my situation is different, but its that thought throughtout....'What if...?'. Im sure those who have suffered a m/c feel the same especially if they are reccurent.

Do you think though that alot of the decisons are women based or do the men have a equal say? I know my Dh couldnt imagine putting us through all that again and he has said numerous times he cant bear to see me in pain and hurting. I know decisons are always 50/50, but do you think a man can influence a woman into ttc again / not trying anymore? Or can a woman persuade him to do the opposites?

[XxJack~AcexX]

Ahh Micheele xxxx

Dom and I have both had the talk about more lil ones and we have both said the same we coukdnt and wouldnt want to lose another or go through the trying times. We want to enjoy the boys and be happy all round

Jacks at school, im at home with Ace and luckily financially I can do this again. I will return to work in 4/5 years time when this pickle is at school.
Generally I think its nice that we feel the same way. xx

[weezypops]

Do you think though that alot of the decisons are women based or do the men have a equal say? I know my Dh couldnt imagine putting us through all that again and he has said numerous times he cant bear to see me in pain and hurting. I know decisons are always 50/50, but do you think a man can influence a woman into ttc again / not trying anymore? Or can a woman persuade him to do the opposites?

I don't know really, I suppose it's something that someone has to give on - if one wants it and the other doesn't, there's no middle ground, you have to go with one or the other, so I suppose somewhere along the line the one who wants/doesn't want it most would probably influence the other into changing their mind, or it would just happen/not happen and you'd have to either deal with it or decide it's too much.

[Schmushe]

Like I said this isnt a personal question, Im just asking as Im intrigued.

Paul and I would love another baby but its not going to happen, we have decided that it is somethingwe cant go through again and neither one of us will move on that decision

[Gillybean]

I think men should have an equal say but at the same time it can be hard when one wants another and one doesn't. I know this is not the same and I would never compare and hope I don't offend anyone but when I fell pregnant when Dillon was two I really wanted the baby but my husband was adamant he didn't want any more and pressurised me into having a termination. For years after I told myself and other people that I made the right decision even though every so often I would think about what might have been. It was actually my husband who suggested to have another and at first I told him not to muck me about and that if it happened in no uncertain times I would not terminate again and this time around he is more than happy and I guess ready but if the subject had never come up then I would have carried on telling myself 2 was enough and left it at that

I know my its not the same but my point is I guess more to do with both man and woman agreeing because things can turn nasty or relationships can break if your not able to talk it out with one another

[XxJack~AcexX]

Ahh Gill no one is to judge you hun for what you decided to do. We all have our reasons for things one way or another. x

[Gillybean]

Thank you Gemma I just didn't want anyone to be offended

[Schmushe]

Gill, anyone that has a termination has their reasons for doing so, and this post is not here to judge what you or anyone else has done. Whatever you did, you did for a reason - and although a considered reason, it still is a 'loss' and you are entitled to feel remorse, grieve or feel perfectly normal because its what was right for you and your family at the time.

[Gillybean]

Thank you Michelle, it was a decision I regret and didn't really want to make. I know I am not judged on here and it's nice to know that.

[Marie Donn]

In my experience there is no right or wrong time, so long as you've got the physical all-clear. There's a gap of 9 months and 10 days between my boy Joe, who died in July 2009, and my son Milo (he was premature, to be fair!). That was right for us. It doesn't undo the pain, it doesn't make everything alright, but sometimes you just NEED to have another child and that's just the way things are. Conversely, waiting is not wrong either, if you feel more comfortable.

I hope you are able to find some peace with whatever path you want to take, whenever you want to take it x

[Schmushe]

Like I siad before - I was just wondering how other people managed to make the decisions - its not something I will be doing now or in the future.

[Marie Donn]

The thing is though Michelle, I'm not sure I ever actually made a decision - it was a visceral need rather than a logical thought. My husband did need to actually decide, and for him that involved speaking to my consultant again (I was pretty ill after Joe died) and being reassured that I wasn't at risk myself. But for me it was like breathing, something I had to do, and decisions didn't really come into it.

Equally I know a lot of women who have taken a very very long time, or never tried again - and their hearts were just as vocal, really.