Just a bit of a ramble

[weezypops]

I've been thinking about posting in here but haven't really known what to say. I kind of what to write out everything that happened but don't even know if it will do any good and it's not like anyone else will want to read it.

Generally speaking, everyone's been so wonderful. People say things and then apologise for them, worrying it's the wrong thing to say but I really don't mind, I'm honestly finding the support amazing, and I know that it's hard to find the right thing to say. I'm feeling quite philosophical about it in a way. It's making me appreciate how lucky I am to have the family and friends i do, I don't feel angry, I don't have a 'why me?' feeling about it, I just feel really really sad, and like I want to be very quiet all the time. Little things set me off crying, realisations of what's not going to happen, and remembering little bits of it all, but it all happened so fast I still can't quite believe it. In a way though I'm worried because most people talk about feeling angry etc and I really don't, so I'm worried that maybe it hasn't properly hit me yet, and that I'm suddenly going to be filled with rage, even though I don't feel like I can cry any more so it's not like I'm trying to stop myself feeling it. if that makes any sense.

I'm still having some morning sickess which feels a bit like a twisted joke. Any idea when that passes? I'm also extremely tired, like I have no energy and just want to sleep.

Iris keeps talking about the baby in my tummy and when she does Felix will say 'No Iris, it's not there any more, it's gone' which just breaks my heart every time. He got really angry the day before yesterday and I had a little talk with him before bed where I said he could ask me anything he wanted to know about the baby, and talk about how he was feeling, that it was okay to feel sad etc. He said that he missed the baby and wanted it to come back, and asked me when we'd be able to have another one. I told him that if we did it would take quite a long time and he had a little cry about that. He then asked me why the baby had to 'disappear' which I found so hard to answer. I tried to be as honest as possible but not frighten him, so told him that when him and Iris had been in my tummy they had to spend a long time in there to get big and strong enough to come out, but that sometimes babies didn't grow enough and that we think that's what happened with this one. He seemed okay with that answer but was really sad about it and I found it so hard to explain to him in a way he'd understand.

Bah. Lots of wittering, sorry.

[Clairebear]

Oh Lou, that really choked me up, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Everybody deals with things in their own way so it doesn't necessarily mean that you should be getting angry or that you are wrong not to, you are not bottling it up or refusing to talk about it so feeling sad is likely your way of dealing with it.

It is understandable that you are going to be tired, your body has had to deal with a huge trauma, it will probably take a while for you to go back to feeling 'normal' again. Just try to take is easy for a while and don't try to do too much. Like you said yesterday, this holiday will probably do you a lot of good, give you a chance to relax.

Kids are pretty resilient, I know Felix is a fair bit more sensitive than most, but he has a close and loving family to help him through it.

Sorry, you know I am pretty useless at all this, but didn't just want to not reply.

Sending you lots of love and big hugs x

[XxJack~AcexX]

Ohh Lou huni.
Hun you have done the right thing posting on here as I think it helps to write it all down how your feeling..... I only did the same a while ago and like you said people are always so supportive.
I just want to say too that the girls on here I think are amazing with there thoughts and just the lil things that they do so I think it makes you feel better knowing you have good friends on here.

Lou its going to be hard and sometimes you ont think about it for maybe a couple of seconds.. and then in the next breath feel guilty that you "forgot" for those 2 seconds.
Deal with things in your own way huni. I think r.e the morning sickness I would advice that it will be gone in a couple of weeks darl.

Ohh hun I dont no what else to say.. You no we are all here for you if you need ANYTHING. Me included.
I just want to send you lots of hugs.
Keep looking and cuddling up to those gorgeous lil ones of yours, willmake you feel that lil bit better.

I feel I too am waffling about nothing. It will get easier huni, its all so raw for you. PM me anytime if you wana chat about things.
Love Gem. xxxx

[nubs]

Awww Lou, I bet you are feeling empty
I hope things get easier to manage and cry and be angry as you want x

[Schmushe]

I know only too well what your going through - I wont post here but if you want a chat, you know where I am. Our circumatances are VERY different but I do understand the feelings you have posted about only too well.

As for the effects of pregnancy lasting - unfortunetly it could take a while for your bosy to get back to normal. I was still producing milk 3 months later, and had sickness for 2 months after and was absolutley shattered. Your body goes through alot in these situations.

[Gillybean]

i have idea what you are going through and can't begin to imagine Louise but would just like to say that i am here too if you need to talk

xxx

gill

[weezypops]

Thanks everyone, I think it's nice just to get some of it off my chest. I'm surprised but how much little things get to me.

[weezypops]

Sorry if TMI but...

On the scan they saw a 6/7cm clot, and said to expect that to come out in the next few day but that otherwise I had passed everything. However, I just went to the loo and noticed the bleeding had got a bit heavier and clottier again, then when I wiped there was a larger lump, which I assumed to be the clot they'd mentioned. However, it also looked a bit like some sort of tissue as it had some grey bits and a bit more structure to it than just a clot. I really couldn't look too closely but it definitely wasn't just blood. Do you think this sounds normal? They said I'd passed everything so what on earth was it?

I just can't face the idea that there's more to come or that it might need to be seen to again - we're going on holiday tomorrow! They seemed very convinced it was all done, just more bleeding, so it was a shock to see something else. Obviously they said to call if I had a lot more pain, a temperature etc. but that was more about infection than anything else. Gah, I really don't know.

[sarahsquarepants]

I know it sounds horrible but you do get bits comining out after, hospital were probably referring to what you don't want to see coming out being out if you get what I mean. I know I'm coming from a different situation, but I was advised I was likely to have bleeding and just bits of tissue for up to 10 days after, just contact them if it gets really heavy or goes on longer than that. I know it is hard not to look out of, I guess you would call it curiousity or concern, but don't try not to worry if the hospital have said you have passed everything you need to worry about.

I had a bit of cramping for a couple of days, bleed for about 9 days then that was it, but obviously people have different experiences. As far as the emotional side of it, I'm very proud of you I think you are being incredibly strong and open about this. Like Claire says, everyone reacts differently so don't worry about having angry feelings, besides in my experiences feelings of anger are rarely productive and can damage relationships so you are better off without it! Your family are so good at communicating how you all feel, it is a beautiful thing to see, so keep doing what you are all doing.

Things will be good again and life will move on, but you don't have to yet so take your time, react how you want, grieve how you need to and talk to us if you need to.

Much love,

KJ xxxx

[weezypops]

Well that's good to know, they didn't mention more tissue coming out, just more bleeding, but it's good to know that it's normal. I just wasn't expecting to see more.

Thank you though, it really does help to have the support of good friends and family, and I include you and so many others on here in that group. x

[sarahsquarepants]

Oh blimey, you've got me started with the blubbing now! I can't even make an inappropriate joke as my usual defence mechanism!

Oh please remind me to feed your cats, If they starve I can replace Dinger with Bubble, but I'll never find another cat Brillo's colour.

KJ xx

[weezypops]

Hmm, maybe the ladies on here can give you a prod!

[sarahsquarepants]

Good idea Louise! Keep your chin up, things will start to feel more normal again soon xxx

[Jeanette]

I'll try to remind you. Did Lou give you my phone number in case of problems?

[Gina73]

Louise, we all have different ways of dealing with things. I just looked at it as natures way, probably best we dont understand why things happen sometimes. With my last miscarriage I was like you very unhappy but not angry, I just took it that maybe there was something not right and the body has a way of recognising it. I too had sickness afterwards and had a D&C which stopped that. I wish things had worked out differently for you and you know where I am if you ever need someone to talk to.