Prefering one child to the other
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Worried Mum
Prefering one child to the other
I am really worried that I like one of my children more than the other one. My oldest daughter is 8 and has always been quiet but easy to get along with. My youngest is 4 and has always been the opposite - feirce temper and hard work. She can be really funny but over the last six moths or so her temper has got worse. I am a single mum so it is quite often just me and her and its got to a point where i dont want to spend time with her. I look forward to my daughter getting home from school just so that I dont have to be with the little one on my own anymore and sometimes feel like I hate her. I feel well bad just saying it but i don't know what to do to make the feeling go away.
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Lian
Re: Prefering one child to the other
Have you always felt like this or is it a recent thing?
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Ning
Re: Prefering one child to the other
Hi Lovely Mum,
Clearly you are a good Mum or this would not be worrying you. Obviously from your post I know very little about you and your situation, however I thought maybe if I shared my experience it may help in some small way.
When one of my children was younger I felt the same way. I would cry because I felt so bad about the feelings I sometimes felt towards my lovely little one but oh my word, the behaviour was so difficult. One day, a moment changed how I reacted and felt. An old lady was watching my little one be rather naughty and mentioned how awful children were. I felt quite angry at this response and very told her that being a Mummy was fabulous and that usually my little one was very good. Immediately he stopped misbehaving and held my hand (he was about 3). After that I tried many different tactics:
1. I made an effort to always say lovely things about him to people when I knew he could hear. I think it is easy to forget that they hear and understand much of what we say when we let off steam. I told my friends to excuse my over the top boasting and explained why I was doing it.
2. I deliberately went places that I would usually avoid due to constant aggressive behaviour BUT instead of saying what not to do, I spent every second with him saying what to do. e.g., let this person go first because it is polite. I know you feel angry but..., to prevent the behaviour rather than dealing with it after. It was exhausting but there was an improvement after a few months.
3. I accepted that feeling angry was part of his personality (at that time) and we sat and discussed that feeling angry was ok, but hitting etc. was not. We had a nice little place by the window for cool down time.
4. Praise, praise and praise of all the things that he was good at. In fact now, he is more than happy to tell you all the things he is good at
5. Constant reminders that I loved him, we had our very own bedtime song and I told him of funny stories of when he was a baby etc.
6. Listening and trying to reason when he felt angry and properly understanding his point of view.
Don't misunderstand me, this did not work overnight, and how much is due to my change in tactics and his growing up I cannot know. However, we are two years on and he is an absolute delight. He still has a temper at times but his ability to deal with his emotions has improved dramatically.
Looking back, I can now see that some of his anger was not being able to communicate at the same level as his older sibling, he struggled to communicate when it had not been instigated by him and took the blame for how he responded, when in fact, the slightly more sneaky tactic of winding him up had been used - kids
I can truly say that those feelings are in the past. I totally adore my wonderful, spirited, unique little boy and I would like to think that my change in behaviour and attitude helped to resolve the situation.
I hope this message has not appeared to be preaching in any way. I just wanted to let you know that someone else has been there and come out the other side. Don't give up hope - your little one is wonderful and learning to deal with all of life's complex emotions.
Sending you lots of good wishes and hope that this phase comes to and end soon for you. xxx
Clearly you are a good Mum or this would not be worrying you. Obviously from your post I know very little about you and your situation, however I thought maybe if I shared my experience it may help in some small way.
When one of my children was younger I felt the same way. I would cry because I felt so bad about the feelings I sometimes felt towards my lovely little one but oh my word, the behaviour was so difficult. One day, a moment changed how I reacted and felt. An old lady was watching my little one be rather naughty and mentioned how awful children were. I felt quite angry at this response and very told her that being a Mummy was fabulous and that usually my little one was very good. Immediately he stopped misbehaving and held my hand (he was about 3). After that I tried many different tactics:
1. I made an effort to always say lovely things about him to people when I knew he could hear. I think it is easy to forget that they hear and understand much of what we say when we let off steam. I told my friends to excuse my over the top boasting and explained why I was doing it.
2. I deliberately went places that I would usually avoid due to constant aggressive behaviour BUT instead of saying what not to do, I spent every second with him saying what to do. e.g., let this person go first because it is polite. I know you feel angry but..., to prevent the behaviour rather than dealing with it after. It was exhausting but there was an improvement after a few months.
3. I accepted that feeling angry was part of his personality (at that time) and we sat and discussed that feeling angry was ok, but hitting etc. was not. We had a nice little place by the window for cool down time.
4. Praise, praise and praise of all the things that he was good at. In fact now, he is more than happy to tell you all the things he is good at
5. Constant reminders that I loved him, we had our very own bedtime song and I told him of funny stories of when he was a baby etc.
6. Listening and trying to reason when he felt angry and properly understanding his point of view.
Don't misunderstand me, this did not work overnight, and how much is due to my change in tactics and his growing up I cannot know. However, we are two years on and he is an absolute delight. He still has a temper at times but his ability to deal with his emotions has improved dramatically.
Looking back, I can now see that some of his anger was not being able to communicate at the same level as his older sibling, he struggled to communicate when it had not been instigated by him and took the blame for how he responded, when in fact, the slightly more sneaky tactic of winding him up had been used - kids
I can truly say that those feelings are in the past. I totally adore my wonderful, spirited, unique little boy and I would like to think that my change in behaviour and attitude helped to resolve the situation.
I hope this message has not appeared to be preaching in any way. I just wanted to let you know that someone else has been there and come out the other side. Don't give up hope - your little one is wonderful and learning to deal with all of life's complex emotions.
Sending you lots of good wishes and hope that this phase comes to and end soon for you. xxx
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Guest
Re: Prefering one child to the other
Thanks for sharing your experience Ning, let's hope, if she is still reading that it helps 'Worried Mum'.
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