Can't see anyone else with this problem...

[Geoffrey]

I've got a problem. I've seen loads of posts about women complaining about their man being moody, aggressive, untidy, unhygienic, lazy etc and with a completely different outlook on priorities. But I've never seen anyone with a man complaining about their woman doing it. And believe it or not, the dynamics seem very different when it comes to solutions.

I'll briefly elaborate. I'm a full time student nurse and I also have a 24hr per week part time job. So that's 61.5 hours a week that I'm away plus commuting. My wife stays at home with the kids. I'm really struggling with her at the moment. She won't do any house work, no laundry, cleaning or dishes – she won't even get up in the morning with the kids. She cancels visitors because she's too ashamed of the mess in our house. And probably the smell. Our oldest boy looks after two little ones in the mornings as well as sorts his own packed lunch and get's himself ready for school. I get up at 6am with them too, but usually I'm in the shower while my boy sorts breakfasts. My wife gets up at around 9am on an average day, but once she's got her coffee won't get up off the couch until the afternoon. Our youngest has only recently started sleeping through the night and up until then it was down to me most of the time to to deal with it.

She doesn't get dressed, rarely get's showered, she doesn't get the kids dressed – my youngest boy is due at nursery every day and he only makes it there half of the time because my wife didn't bother to get him ready. She is moody with me, snapping if I mention anything to her dislike.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg. And I'm aware that it's also only the negative side, so feel free to take this with a pinch of salt. But the problem I feel I've got is that she will not take any criticism and living like we do is hard! Really hard. The house is a constant bin and it's left to me to do all the house work on my days off. It's also my job to manage all the money, pay all the bills, do all the driving, do all the shopping. Even getting the kids their jabs. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

Putting it simply, she's not pulling her weight and creates a horrible tense atmosphere in the house when she's upset. Which is quite often. So what can I do? If I give the impression of any dissatisfaction whatsoever then I don't get laid for a month. If I indicate that she might be depressed then I end up on the couch too. And don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I'd call myself grumpy rather than anything else. I'll get annoyed when I see that the middle one hasn't gone to nursery, or sometimes I'll just get annoyed with the kids. In my defence, though, I'm usually pissed off for ten minutes at a time and then I can't remember what I was upset about.

So what can I do? We went to see a councillor but that was just very expensive and didn't really get us anywhere. Stuck.

[Schmushe]

It sounds like she may have a form of depression (either postpartum or due to other factors). Depression can affect a lot of people and based on the things you've mention I would suggest encouraging her to seek medical advice. It may be she is struggling to cope with the children and home in general and it becomes a negative cycle.

[weezypops]

Yeah, it does sound a lot like she is depressed - all the lack of motivation stuff etc.

What happened when you went to see a counsellor? What did they say?

[Jeanette]

It definitely sounds like she's depressed. I would suggest a doctor rather than a councillor. Make sure she knows that it isn't all her fault and that depression is an illness not a failing and it can be helped. Is she happy with the way things are?

[weezypops]

Make sure she knows that it isn't all her fault and that depression is an illness not a failing and it can be helped. Is she happy with the way things are?

I was thinking this too - when you say she doesn't handle criticism well, I have to wonder how you're broaching the subject with her. If she already feels like she's failing/can't cope/it's all too much, she would need you to be supportive rather than critical and to let her know that you will tackle it together rather than her having to deal with it on her own.

[Geoffrey]

Yeah, I think a touch of depression. Also possibly hormones. Since she's been on the coil, rather than a few days at the turn of each month where I used to have to hide behind the couch, she's now unpredictable for about fifteen days a month. Randomly.

The depression I'm inclined not to take too seriously though. Not to sound flippant, but she was mostly like this even before we had kids. Since we've been together, for about five years, I've always been the one who does everything. The only things that she does now that she didn't then was cook. I used to come home after a sixteen hour shift and then have to clean the dishes from the day before, then cook dinner. But now, she does the cooking. The dishes still get left until my day off though.

We were using the councillor more as a stop gap to fix arguments rather than for actual advice. All that seemed to happen is that we would explain to him what we were fighting about and then hope that he would tell us who was wrong. He identified that, in the case of a couple of our arguments, that there was a communication transaction problem. He said that because I was asking permission to do things and so was acting like a child. So he said that she was talking to me like an adult, I was responding like a child, and then she would assume the attitude of a parent.

So now I don't ask her if something is ok - I just tell her what I'm doing and ask her feelings on the matter. But now she says I'm not including her enough or emotionally supporting her. Seems to me that if I want something, I just have to keep wanting if I want to keep her happy.

[weezypops]

I don't know, it sounds like more than a 'touch' of depression to me, and like it might have been going on for a long time if you say she felt the same before having kids. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you take the idea very seriously, which might be a reason she isn't able to talk to you about it. Likewise with it being hormones - hormonal contraception can make people feel really awful emotionally and physically and there's nothing they can do to counteract that. Personally I won't take it any more because although I never had a really bad experience with it, it definitely affected things like mood, sex drive etc and I don't like the idea of those things being out of my control any more than they have to be.

If it was my husband who wasn't being helpful, I would sit down with him and discuss where I needed extra support, how we could help each other etc. but without making it sound like he was doing wrong. It's very easy to slip into habits where one person always does a particular thing and it just carries on that way, so sometimes these things need to be readjusted. I know you said that you don't feel she handles criticism well but how about if you try and discuss it in a more positive way - like what you can both do to make like better for each other? Her by helping around the house more and you by being more emotionally supportive maybe?

Trying not to sound too harsh here but you say that she has always been like this - if it's just the case that she is lazy etc. and it's not something you're happy with, why did you get married and have kids together?

[Jeanette]

Having suffered from depression myself, before, after children and later in life, I'm sure that's what your wife is suffering from. It''s a very debilitating, frustrating and frightening condition.

[Geoffrey]

Thanks very much for humouring me you's lot. Really appreciate you taking the time to give me your feedback. I've had bouts of depression myself, as well as stress and anxiety. Fortunately I was able to work my way through it and chuck all the tablets. I can empathise with depressed people and if that is what my wife has then of course, I'm here for her. The only reason I have my doubts about her depression, and the reason I say a 'touch' of, is that the only thing that's really changed in her personality is the moodiness and reluctance to step up her game.

I married her because I was, and still am smitten and head-over-heels in love. Her mess doesn't bother me, as I say, I'm messy myself. The thing that I could not have known before we were married is that she would not change. It's common sense that when you buy an old house that needs work and have kids that the workload increases, yes? I accept that, I am working harder and having less time for myself. I'm expected to by everyone and if I were to fail (which I have on occasion) I'm bombarded with accusations of selfishness and immaturity.

My work load has increased and I take it seriously, I work more hours and commit more time to my family. But my wife hasn't changed hardly at all. She does about the same amount of work now as she did before the kids came along. She doesn't even bother putting nappies in the bin. She literally does the bare possible minimum around the house and then expects me to do it once I'm home. This is annoying. As we speak I'm looking at the laundry that I myself cleaned and dried last thursday - I plonked a big pile of it on the couch near five days ago and I'm refusing to fold it and put it away. I protest! But I know I'll have to do it eventually. It'll have to wait until the weekend. But by then it will probably need washing again because the kids will throw it all over the floor and people will walk all over it.

To be honest, the hardest thing to cope with is the moodiness. She is angry with me a lot of the time and I have no idea why. I'd love to emotionally support her but how can I when all the negative and aggressive emotions are directed at me? But that's not so easy when she is angry with me for doing something trivial. She gets upset with me over things so silly that even she can't even remember what she was originally angry about. Like the other day she got upset that I'd forgotten to tell her that the double glazer wasn't coming until the weekend - she wasn't required to be here either way - I was taking care of it. Why does it matter? It was the first time she'd even asked about the whole thing. And the only reason I forgot is because I'm so busy doing everything on my own.

[fayew]

It seems like depression.