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Losing a baby

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Schmushe
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Losing a baby

#1 Unread post by Schmushe » Wed May 18, 2011 2:17 pm

‘You should never outlive your child’ and how true those words are.

My son was born ‘sleeping’ in December 2011 at 36 weeks, and to have to bury anyone is hard enough, but when it is someone you carried for so long, felt every movement and then to lose them – makes it so much harder. Words cannot describe how hard it is, there isn’t a number large enough to give it justice.

People say to me that time is a great healer and take things day by day, thinking of you and sending me virtual hugs, and I know the thought is there, but they are some of the most frustrating things anyone can ever say to anyone bereaved. How can you know what someone is going through unless you’ve been there yourself? To hold your baby in your arms, willing them to start breathing, or to move – anything. Waiting for the words ‘they are ok’...... that never come. Planning a funeral and watching the little blue coffin go through the curtains, to hold the tiny urn in your hands, and know that’s all you have left of your beautiful baby. Looking at photos and knowing in the not so distant future that he is going to just be a memory, forgotten in time.

So life moves on, day to day things still need to be done, kids need to be fed and go to school. You become another person, you go onto auto pilot, and all the feelings you have get pushed so far down. You smile when people ask you how you are - knowing full well they don’t want a reply, well not a honest one. You congratulate the newly pregnant people and wish them all the best, but feeling deep down how you wish it was you and not them. Holding your tummy in the place where they used to be, used to kick.

You feel something missing, empty. The place where the cot should be looks so bare. Everything sold to other people, the odd thing kept as a reminder it wasn’t just a dream. Was it a dream? You can look in a mirror and not have a clue who you are anymore, and even though you have a loving family, you often wonder ‘why am I here?’, ‘what is my purpose?’, ‘would anyone miss me if I actually went away and never came back?’.
The feeling of being useless, a failure is something that never goes away – people say its not your fault, and deep down your screaming ‘It is my fault, I was supposed to protect him, he was inside me, it was my body that failed him’. But you stay quiet, feelings hidden away, no-one wants to hear them anyway.

‘Suicide is a cowards way out, and it takes a strong person to deal with things’ – something that was obviously said by people who had life easier. To feel so strongly that you don’t ‘belong’ here anymore, and your baby needs you more than the people your with, can be so intense and you only see that, you don’t see the loving husband who would do anything to take your pain away, the kids who adore you and the friends who are there for you – you see the dark, the black space where nothing else matters and no one counts but you and your baby. Counting down the days until your together again, looking forward to death rather than focusing on life.

You realise who your true friends are, even though you hold things back from them. They understand when its a ‘bad day’ and know when you say ‘Goodbye’ its not for attention and know that things usually look brighter the next day. They see the things you don’t, they know the darkness fades!! People think I should ‘move on’, another baby may help heal the pain – replace the one that died. Move on now – its been long enough. But how long is enough? When will the pain go away? When will I be able to cope with things that go on and not have it affect me so deep and to the core that I feel life cant go on anymore?

Sometimes you wish that someone would tell you what to do, how to feel, how to cope – but there isn’t anyone who can do that, and would you want to be the person in control of all that anyway. Not a job for the weak at heart. Not a job i’d want to do.

Life moves on and all you want it to do is stop......... ‘Stop the world from turning I want to get off’.
A miscarriage is devastating I know, but once you’ve felt your baby kicking and moving and seen it on a scan, given birth to an actual fully formed baby – makes it so much harder, he has already become a real person, has a name, an identity – a personality.

I don’t like to be envious of what other people have, I don’t think I ever have done – well not for long anyway....but its hard when people can do things I cant, can feel things I cant feel, can cope with things better than me and talk about everything to get it off their chest. Months have gone by and I cant openly talk about things, I talk in a 3rd person, or I write things down as if I am making notes for a essay. It doesn’t make it easier, writing things down doesn’t make things feel better!! I am not normally open and honest about how I feel – I don’t know how to, I don’t know who’ll actually care if I did!! What could they say or do which would make me feel any better?
There is no more to say, no more that would make a difference if I said it anyway, nothing that would make anyone understand or feel the way I feel.
Losing a baby is something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.


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Re: Losing a baby

#2 Unread post by weezypops » Wed May 18, 2011 3:06 pm

Michelle, I know it's another of those useless things to say but I am so sorry. I imagine this was so hard to write and probably doesn't even touch on how you really feel but I hope it helps in some way. There's no reason you should feel you have to move on, or forget about Nathan, get over it and all of those things. If people say that to you they're clearly not thinking enough about what they say, or aren't sure to put what they think and so say something they think will help but is actually worse. I don't see how it's someting you can ever get over. Maybe you learn to cope, to get on with things, but he was still your son and I imagine that loss will always feel like a gaping hole, even if you get to a stage where you can feel happy again with other things.

I usually feel like there's nothing I can say to make it any better, but I at least try to show I care, and I think many others feel the same. You losing Nathan had a profound effect on us all. We can never understand why it happened, or even begin to imagine how you feel, but I#m sure I'm not alone when i say I think of him and you all the time and wish things had been different, that we'd got to meet him and that everything was 'normal. I'm sorry if that's the wrong thing to say, but it is true.

I know I'm wittering and probably saying the wrong thing, so I'll stop, but I do wish you would believe me when I say it's okay to be honest and that I/we do care so much. I can't change anything that has happened but if there's any way I could help make things even a little better just for one moment, I will try and I hope you will let me.

I'll avoid saying much about hugs, but they are available too, if needed. x
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Re: Losing a baby

#3 Unread post by Jeanette » Wed May 18, 2011 6:25 pm

I can't say much more than Lou has said Michelle and I too think of Nathan and you most days. I have seen the effect on a mother and the family following the loss of a full term baby as I have already told you. The hurt won't go away but you will learn to cope with it. Love never dies does it.
Mum to Louise and Andrew, Nanny to Felix, Iris, Dexter and Charlie.

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Re: Losing a baby

#4 Unread post by Clairebear » Wed May 18, 2011 7:20 pm

Oh hon, I totally echo what Louise has said. I know it has been really hard for you and none of your 'true' friends expect you to move on or forget Nathan, I know for sure I never will. I am one of those who are guilty of sending 'virtual hugs' I'm afraid, but only because I am so useless at writing/typing anything I can never think of anything else. Please remember that you have so much love and support from your friends and even though none of us can take away your pain, we can at least maybe help you through your darkest days if you will let us. I for one love you dearly and hate to think of you going through all this on your own. You know I am only at the other end of the phone of you need me x
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Re: Losing a baby

#5 Unread post by sheeina » Thu May 19, 2011 11:54 am

I have said to you before I don't know what it's like and I don't know what your feeling. But I am a pair of ears to listen to your good days as well as your bad days.
Your a mummy to three babies while your share tears of happiness with two of them but sadness of three. When I talk to you I always talk about all three of your angels. I might get to hear how much Joshua has learnt at school how cheeky Alexa has been then I get to learn something about nathan.
I'm someone who likes to talk about those not in the room. But I know some people are uneasy doing that.
I don't expect time is a healer, I don't expect it gets easier. But you do know people care don't you?
Your going through you stages. The jobs we all have to do still get done your right. And it doesn't feel right that you are going through what has been thrown at you and the world and people carry on going.
I understand you may feel down and upset some days but to me your such a brave honest caring strong women. To go through what you have and are and then to still help all those people you do with bliss. Your a angel yourself!
Mummy to George

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Re: Losing a baby

#6 Unread post by mitchellmonkey » Thu May 19, 2011 12:46 pm

I'm useless with words but i didn't want to read and run. Louise has really said it all. No-one expects you to get over nathan and forget him, how could you, his still your son and always will be. Nathan had a huge affect on everyone of us, obviousily we can never truly understand but we are all here for you, please don't feel you ever have have to just put on front for us lot on here xx
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Re: Losing a baby

#7 Unread post by Gina73 » Thu May 19, 2011 5:09 pm

Michelle, none of us can even start to imagine what you and your family have been through.

Nathan will never be forgotten you and us will make sure of that. Nothing I can say will take the pain away you feel but we are always here for you.
Mum to Mia & Mason, wife to Steve - life is for living.

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Re: Losing a baby

#8 Unread post by dolphins » Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:36 pm

hi hun im sorry for your loss hun i was only few week pregant when i had a mc it still hurts now but when i think about i look at my 2 boys and say i have done a gd job with these 2 and i say you have to brothers down here and mummy will never forget you and my coping i talk about to my man and family and i feel it helps abit hun you could try talking about to your family nd friends its up to you tho hun but it helps abit.

your son will aways love you hun and he want forget you

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Re: Losing a baby

#9 Unread post by sp74 » Mon Jun 06, 2011 10:10 pm

Michelle, I have just come across your post and was very moved by it, they are strong words from the heart and must have been so hard to put on to paper i feel your a very strong women, you will never 'get over' the loss of someone so precious to you, but i do hope your pain eases with time x

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Re: Losing a baby

#10 Unread post by Gillybean » Thu Jun 09, 2011 11:18 am

I to have only just come across this post....


there is nothing i can say that will take away the pain i can never imagine what it must be like but I am here if you want to talk. To me you seem very strong, clever and caring.

Nathan is never forgotten, you were touched by an angel that some people may never see in their life time.

xxx
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Schmushe
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Re: Losing a baby

#11 Unread post by Schmushe » Fri Jul 08, 2011 12:28 pm

Thankyou all for your comments, I havent purposefully replied to them, as there isnt much to say.

Its amazing how quickly time has flown, we are in July now and not much longer to the 1st anniversary of it all, (it somehow seems wrong to call it his birthday but then wrong that he doesnt actually have one).
His memorial tree will hopefully be planted soon, which will give me a place to go in memory of him and actually be able to have what some people have by going to a graveside. Its amazing how little coomfort you get by things. I feel sometimes that he will be forgotten, that I will forget him. I dont have many memories of him, so its really heartbreaking that I may one day forget a part of him. Im finding that I need evidence all the time that he exsisted, a name plate, a soon to be tattoo, something.....anything with his name on!! Something to prove he was real and not just a part of my imagination.

You'd think as time moves on it gets easier, you learn how to cope - well yeah you do up to a point, but when the days get dark and black, theres no way back.... Its like a huge dark cloud right above you, just sucking all of you up and leaving a empty shell behind. It reminds me of the Harry Potter film!!
People forget too, they go along with their normal lives, (and who can blame them) - the people that used to hide their baby away from me, now thrust them in my face, they openly moan about pregnancy and how hard things are for them and how they wish the baby was here already. Time moves on I know, but as fixed as my 'fake smile' is, I cant always deal with it and then the darkness comes.

I often feel this is my punishment, I mean why do things like these happen (Im not actually asking before you try to reply). Why take something so precious as a baby, something that has never done any harm to anyone, never even lived a life, breathed air or opened their eyes. What have I done to have this kind of life......to feel this kind of pain!!!

So, I'll hopefully get over this meltdown, and go back to my usual self, smiling for people, laughing when I dont have anything to laugh about, watching tv programmes and not actually remembering what happened, and wait for the next time things get too much and hope that I can overcome it all and not slip into the darkness and stay there!!

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Re: Losing a baby

#12 Unread post by rachel jane » Fri Jul 08, 2011 12:59 pm

Michelle hun i won't be able to say anything to make it easier but just wanted to say i'm thinking of you.x

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Re: Losing a baby

#13 Unread post by weezypops » Fri Jul 08, 2011 1:59 pm

I don't think there are any reasons for why this has happened and does happen but I certainly don't think it's any kind of punishment - there's nothing you've done that would deserve this sort of loss, nothing at all.

I think having his tree up will be a good thing in a healing sense - it will be like he has his own place in the world, something fixed and sturdy. Of course it won't ever replace him but it's somewhere you can go when you feel like you want to connect to him somehow, however you do that - for some that might be through a belief that life carries on somehow, for others it would be by reliving memories of them, however fleeting.
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Re: Losing a baby

#14 Unread post by Jeanette » Fri Jul 08, 2011 11:04 pm

Michelle please please please don't go on thinking this is your punishment, it isn't, you did nothing wrong so why should you be punished.
My Mum went the same way, thinking it was her punishment for the rest of her life and we lost her as a Mum. She never properly came back as our Mum.
You have two beautiful children who are alive and they fought really hard to live, to spend their lives with you and Paul, don't ruin it for them, they don't deserve that.
They love you, Paul worships you and we all think you are, and can be a strong woman.
Use your experiences to help others and you may gain some peace.
You will never ever forget Nathan and nor will we.
Mum to Louise and Andrew, Nanny to Felix, Iris, Dexter and Charlie.


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